when i was ten years old, i spent a couple of weeks with my grandparents in washington. i spent a good portion of that time in their yard being introduced to an audience as michael jackson's girlfriend, the famous singer _______ (the names varied.)  when i went into the house after one particularly good show, my great-grandma bent down, looked me in the eye, and said, 

"you are certainly ambitious."

i didn't know what the word meant then, but i somehow felt slighted. i had just given one of the best performances of all time, and that was all she had to say to me?

i was also embarrassed. no one was supposed to know what was going on, except for my captive audience. i performed out in the middle of all that pasture land for a reason - i didn't really want to be discovered.

fast forward approximately eighteen years. i still don't know how i feel about being labeled as ambitious. it seems like a backhanded compliment at best, and like an insult when closely examined.  if ambition is all that can be attributed to me, where will that ambition alone get me?

when i search my heart of hearts, i don't feel ambition anywhere in there, not even lurking in corners. but today, driving under the huge blue sky of arizona, i think i found it. i think i have misunderstood the word.

because i have a big yearning - so big that it can't be contained, and it rushes out of me in the form of nervous energy and restlessness. there are places i want to go, things i want to experience, ambitions to be conquered.

and i'm still embarrassed. what if i don't have the talent to back anything up? i'm scared of failing, and that emotion, combined with the bouts of anxiety i feel far too often for my own good, keep me here, safe, in my daily routine.

i've been thinking about this blog a lot lately. i'm not even sure i still have any readers (are you faithful few still out there?) but i've been reading so much lately, and feeling so inspired, and i must have an outlet.

so i'm going to continue. but privately (remember when i mentioned my embarrassment.) i feel like i have a lot to offer, but not for the public's consumption. there have been so many times when i came up with what seemed like a brilliant idea, but i was too afraid to post it. so i'll let it all out just for myself, and see where that takes me.

thanks for all the good times.

peace.

i make a deal like that

randoms.

- i'm trying to quit soda, for the fifth time. the people i work with are very good at giving suggestions as to the best method for it, but flooding me with suggestions is never a great idea. i'm the worst decision maker in the history of the world. i'll probably try my old standby method eventually - cold turkey (although you can see how well that has worked for me in the past. i totally abstain for three or four months, and then one hot arizona day does me in.) it just seems like a better method than cutting out one day a week, or one soda a day. because i'm very good at saying to myself "i'll just add all these up and then do them all in a row." which is, essentially, cold turkey.

- thursdays are the worst days. friday would be, at the end of the week with all the cumulative effects of no sleep and long days and scary dreams about drug lords trying to murder me. except by thursday evening i have lost all ability to stay awake past nine. so, fridays are the best days, because i go to sleep at grandma hour and get twenty thousand hours of sleep, which leads to the best moods known to man. (i know that's not mathematically correct, but i try to avoid living my life by the rules of mathematics. i'm so bad at them.)

- today marks the third day in november that i've had my air conditioning on in my car. i don't think it is possible to love arizona more than i do right now. especially since the mornings and evenings and inside of buildings are cold enough that i can wear my cute boots. that is the best of both worlds right there.

- i made up the best dinner last night. made it up. who knew?

i was the king of carrot flowers

i feel like it's time for a new post, especially since october has been such an eventful month already.

october first - i moved. to this.

(that is my new room, for those of you feeling stalkerish. a mountain of cool points if you can guess how many books i have, or name five of them.)

also on october first (and second) - general conference, with my favorite speakers speaking about my favorite subjects (elder holland even referenced basketball, so it's really true.)

october third through the seventh - a week of work at my new and fun and exciting job (at the same company. yay for getting promoted!) i got a new nickname - jenna ketchup - and a new addition - jimmer watching over my shoulder. a-like this. (now who's stalkerish? i promise i'm not crazy.)

october seventh again - awake for twenty three hours so i could take a road trip with cool emily. we made it to orem safely, if not completely sane. (sleep cured me - like i said, i'm not crazy.) which set up -

october seventh through sixteenth - a much needed vacation to utah. it is always funny to go back home - i feel like i'm in the twilight zone most of the time i'm there, because things have changed so much yet not at all, and i forget i live somewhere else. my mind gets blown usually when i think about how i'm the only one that really knows both places. my people in one place don't know my people in the other place, but i feel like they should all know and love each other like i do... someday i'll build a city where everyone i love lives and we all know each other and everyone is happy and the sun shines all the time... what a great dream, eh?

anyway, today is october eighteenth and while nothing too significant has happened the past few days, i have a feeling october is going to turn out to be a pretty great month.

everyone's searching for treasure

a few days, or maybe weeks, ago, i was on my way to a baseball game with some friends and someone asked me how things are going. i said something like this - "do you ever wish you could quit your life and start a new one? i kind of feel that way right now." (not quit my life as in die. just have a different life. wanted to clarify.)

sometimes i just get restless - ready for a change, something different, some excitement. more than actually having a new life, i think i was just expressing a desire to change things up a bit. and when i said that, i had a picture in my head of what "quitting my life and getting a new one" would look like - a clear idea of what would happen if that were to happen.

fast forward to today - a few days, or weeks, later. it's funny how you can get what you wish for in a completely different and unexpected way. life is getting some excitement. i have new things to do and new things to be excited about. life works out in the way you least expect it to sometimes.

(side note, somewhat related? - my scripture study has been in need of some help lately. so i gave myself a challenge - i started the book of mormon again last night and i'm going to finish it by labor day. 230 chapters divided by 31 days = about 8 chapters a night. anyone want to join me?)

i will rise up with fists

after a night of strange and unsettling dreams, (which included one of not getting enough sleep... not a good omen) i am feeling awake and energetic and inspired and empowered. (i hate that word.)

i'm tired of feeling stupid or apologetic for being myself.

i'm tired of trying to be something i'm not.

i'm tired of waiting around for things to happen to me.

i'm tired of dreaming big dreams and then doing nothing about them.

and i'm tired of trying to make things happen that are hopeless - that suck all my effort and energy and get nowhere.

i'm going to do things - i'm going to write a book, and i'm going to move to london, and i'm going to travel and see places and do things. i'm going to grow in my convictions and my faith and my testimony, and i'm going to pare down in other areas and make the things simpler that need to be simpler.

i'm going to stop waiting around to be noticed and i'm going to forget the people who aren't noticing. i'm going to love the people around me and tell them, and stop worrying about being loved back.

i'm going to be happy with where i am, and work on improving to get somewhere better.

tho it were ten thousand miles

things that have been on my mind lately, as told by google image search:

you may tire of me

alright, i have a confession to make.

i’m posting this to see if there is any support out there, or if you all just think i’m crazy, so anyone with any inkling of an opinion on this subject – speak up please! if you don’t, i might die. seriously.

anyway, here it goes.




i’m writing a book.



here’s the deal – i love to write. But i don’t know if it is one of those things that i irrationally love and everyone else is just kind of “meh” about. like when i sing, or playing beatles rock band, or gordon hayward, or princess bride, or any one of a number of things.

i’m shamelessly calling on you to stroke my ego a bit, or to not spare my feelings while you’re telling me the truth. i need to decide if it’s worth pouring all my blood, sweat, and tears into this, or if it’s just going to turn into a catastrophic failure that will cause me to carry through with all my threats and really become a hermit.

and if there is any ounce of support out there, then i’m giving you another responsibility – i’m holding you accountable for holding me accountable. the way i figure it, if i know there will be people checking up on me, i’m more likely to stick with it.

so, there it is. let me know, if you can find it in your hearts to help me out. would you read it? would you buy it? do you think i’m crazy? if i hear nothing, maybe i’ll take that as an answer…

(p.s. i just had an awesome weekend with my brothers. friday i had the day off and we hiked to a swimming hole straight out of “lost,” accompanied by my friend emily. here’s a picture. then, i had a dream that emily and i met president monson and afterwards, at general conference, he told everyone that i was crazy… not sure what that means, but it feels like it has to mean something.)

actions is cooler

listened to a new radiolab yesterday, about communicating with robots. they really should have a warning label on those - now i'm freaked out. but it also served to renew my conviction to never get on a dating site. who knows what kind of weird human/non-humans are on there? so i guess those two things kind of cancel each other out. (and if you are a weird human/non-human on a dating site, i'm a little sorry. don't be offended.)

however, the podcast did make me think. (i'll wait while you all recover from your shock.) they talked at length about the difference between being alive and being a simulation of alive. (anyone wondering how i got freaked out? that's almost it, right there. got my wheels turning...) and while i do love technology and the fabulous things it makes possible (cell phones, life-saving surgery, tivoed basketball games), if that's the dilemma we are going to come to because of technology, i'd like to stop here. or at least stop people from going there.



one of the hosts of the show and one of the guests were struggling to come up with a definition of what real emotions are, or what makes a human alive and a really really really great robot not alive. i was yelling some answers at them but they weren't listening. i know what i think, but what do people who don't have knowledge of the gospel think? how do they reconcile that question in their minds?



i think it's safe to say i will not be seeking out any robot interactions in the near future. (i almost wrote robert interactions... that too, i guess, unless i happen to meet a really amazing robert.)

start a brand new colony

two lists

things i should be doing:

- working on my relief society lesson
- sleeping
- writing something for class
- cleaning
- practicing the piano
- laundry
- making plans
- keeping up with my correspondence (or starting correspondence)
- drinking more water

what i am doing:
- reading
- thinking about writing something for class
- wishing i wasn't sunburnt
- basking in the glory of lebron getting beat
- procrastinating
- sneezing up a storm

hasn't caught on yet

stupid heat...

meanwhile, in other news - i am announcing right now to the world that i have a new found appreciation for my life, and for moms. both for the same reason - i played mom this weekend to a three year old and a one year old and i lived. i knew kids were hard because people told me they were hard, but i didn't know what hard meant until i lived it for 2 days. i probably won't be complaining about being single anytime soon. and all you moms out there - you are more amazing then i knew. for real.

but i also learned it can be really fun - making playdough, and ice cream cones at 9:45 am (don't tell jessi) and naked sprinkler time (not me, just the boys). it is possible those are babysitter things, not mom things, but that doesn't mean there is no overlap. and i can only think of a few other times when i went to bed with such a big appreciation for the fact that i was still breathing.

all in all, i'm glad i got to spend a weekend with the boys before they move away from the state and i'm not their favorite aunt anymore. i sure am gonna miss them.

a different town today

i feel a little bit silly about my finals picks right about now. but watch this and tell me something - how can you not love him? he looks so sad - i just want to give him a huge hug. he's my favorite, and i don't care that the mavs swept the lakers, i hate them.

in other news - camping! this weekend! for real! as long as i can stave off this illness i feel creeping up on me, my dream will come true.

now i just need a road trip...

beneath an orange sky

there are a few reasons i've been dreading summer this year. one hundred and fifteen degrees is one. people moving is another (what am i doing to do without my favorite three and one year olds?)

but i do have some fun things to look forward to:

-thunder and bulls finals (i predicted this before the playoffs started, even though i doubt anyone will believe me. and i know it's probably considered a long shot, but i've got all my fingers and toes crossed. i love me some kevin durant.)

-piles of fabric waiting to be a quilt

-piles of notebooks waiting to be filled

-a swimming pool waiting for dry ice (i forgot to take pictures last year)

-camping? finally?

-playing "mom" for the weekend to aforementioned one and three year olds. it will be an accomplishment if everyone is still alive afterwards. especially me.

-sorely needed new glasses

-sleeping in saturdays. i never knew how much i would love them until i started waking up at five am on weekdays. that is early, in case you were wondering.

-nba draft! jimmer!

-and, hopefully at some point, a road trip. don't care where to, don't care how long, i just want to make it happen

if you find yourself falling apart

question of the day - is it too early to be playing christmas music on the piano? or too late? i guess it doesn't matter what the answer is, i'm doing it anyway...

i've had something on my mind since this weekend that i can't seem to stop thinking about. you see, some friends and i went to scottsdale to celebrate emily turning 30, and we stayed at an amazing resort with 10 pools and a sushi bar and espn (pretty much everything you need to be happy.) and since then, i've been wondering what my idea of the perfect life is.

i think everyone has an idea of it, and i'm no exception, i think. but i can't seem to decide on just one idea of perfect.

emily and i actually discussed this while sitting on the balcony of our resort room. (i forgot to mention balconies in my list up there. and i can't call it a hotel.) sometimes i think perfect would be enough money that i could spend it all on the people i love, helping us all to do adventurous fun things like sail around the world or live on the beach for six months.

but other times, like when i read my favorite book, i think about how having no money is sometimes the best answer. then the politics and the awkwardness don't get in the way. what you see is what you get, and even if it isn't much, it is honest and straightforward and real.

so what to do? having money can cause problems, and being poor is usually romanticized. so i just keep going back and forth, vacillating between both of those ideas, and lots of others. and i came to this conclusion - no matter what, life will be perfect if i have the people i love close to me.

(i've been getting sentimental in my old age, i guess. it possibly has something to do with this little girl. i wish i wasn't 5000 miles away.)

things keep coming

i know i am the wimpiest person in the history of the world, but i would like to know this -


how many things are more scary than being at home all alone with a little six pound dog who wakes you up in the middle of the night barking at something, and then realizing the golf club you kept next to your bed for just such an occasion is back in the bag in the garage where it belongs?


in case you were wondering, just such an occasion occurred in my life last night. i locked my bedroom door and spent the next twenty minutes laying in bed trying to stay awake to listen for intruder sounds and planning the best route to my sewing scissors in my closet. and singing "hide your kids, hide your wife." i'm not terribly rational or coherent when i'm rudely awoken like that.

travel just by folding a map

word of the day: autochthonus (i came across this while i was reading tonight, and it was driving me crazy because i had no idea how to pronounce it.)

i like to think of myself as an independent person - someone who doesn't really need much that i can't provide for myself. i've said many times that my dream is to be a hermit in the mountains somewhere so i don't have to deal with all the junk that comes from real life.

yesterday, i got some very sad sad news that made me reconsider that notion.

i think the older i get, the more independent i get. it's easy to live according to your own whims and desires and not have to worry about anyone else. but what would i do without the anyone else's in my life?

i've received sad news before, and i've turned to my friends and family for comfort. this sad news i got yesterday doesn't affect me directly, but it does directly affect people i love and care about, and that does affect me, at least eventually.

the support system surrounding us is something that is easily taken for granted - it's just around until that moment when we need it and immediately put it to use. i like to think that i'm part of some one's support - that i can be trusted to comfort and help, even in the smallest possible way. and if i'm a hermit, i can't help anyone really.

that's one of the many things i love about the gospel - there is an inherent support system that stretches infinitely, directly to our Savior. and usually with lots of loving people in between.

(andrea, you might not read this anytime soon, but i just wanted you to know i thought about you guys 17000 times today.)

don't you know what i'm thinking

i have to say, and i hope i don't sound like a bad jazz fan when i say this, watching the playoffs is almost a more enjoyable experience when you don't have a horse in the race (or whatever the saying is.) i am enjoying just watching the games (and all the preliminaries/postliminaries on tnt) and experiencing some excellent basketball. i wouldn't call myself an indifferent observer - i still have my opinions on the games (go thunder!) but it's nice to watch without being in danger of having a heart attack.

this weekend i had my first ever public organ performance. i did not have the bells on, sadly. i've wanted to play the organ bells ever since andrea did it for Christmas one year and no one in the congregation sang because we were laughing so hard.

yesterday at 6:00 pm it was 90 degrees in chandler. and it was snowing in parts of utah county (i hear.) az is the place to be.

another thing about this weekend - it was stake conference. i love stake conference. i love any kind of conference, really, or at least the church kinds. the general authority who came was an excellent speaker - very animated and engaging. the saturday night session was the best - he told a story about clinging to his cell phone that was funny and endearing and pointed all at once. i won't think about "clinging to the rod of iron" in the same way again. in a good way.

carried to ohio in a swarm of bees

my friend crapping dawg came to visit this weekend. and i learned it's always a good idea to have a plan b (or c or d or e)

plan a - go golfing
it was too hot for that

plan b - go to a diamondbacks game
someone (me) is dumb and thought it started at 8:10... it really started 3 hours earlier

plan c - go to the temple to watch the easter pageant
it was in spanish that night

plan d - go to the zoo
this never made it past the suggestion stage

plan e - go to joe's farm grill, then walk around the temple grounds during the spanish pageant, then go to bahama buck's for some delicious shaved ice, then watch megamind
this is what actually happened.

i love having visitors. and bahama buck's. and megamind.

i'm getting older too

i love me some fleetwood.

-i watched scottie and isaac the other night, and when i put scottie to bed he wanted to sing some songs. we sang a few, and then started "i am a child of god." he got really into that one - i think it was the only one that he sang all of the words to. well, he sang all of the words with his own scottie spin. my favorite part - "has given me a nerdly home."

-i've been having an awkward experience the last few days... this super weirdy new guy at work has had multiple opportunities to talk to me face to face, but instead he hurries back to his desk to email me. i don't understand that thought process. i was pondering over it last night, and had an epiphany - maybe he thinks he's emailing someone else. because i think he has spoken a total of 6 words to me in person, and he has definitely never asked my name. i'm pretty sure i'm on to something with this.

- i do not deal with change well. not at all.

- one of my students was looking at me funny on monday, so i asked him what was going on.
he said "is your hair different?"
i said, "yes, i dyed and cut it."
another funny look, then "it's crazy."
thank you very much.

someday we will surely find it

this has been on my mind lately -

i would like someone to make me up some graphs of the discrepancies between what i think about something i do, and what other people think about it. it usually comes as a surprise to me when people compliment something i do, because mostly what i see are the flaws - the flaws in my motivation, or the flaws in my delivery, or a hundred other things.

if not the graphs, maybe a diagram of people's thought processes. wouldn't it be nice if we could push a button somewhere in our brains, and a diagram would pop up in the air, showing you how someone reached the conclusion they did? i think such an invention would be extremely helpful in arguments as well as to satiate my curiosity. and it would be nice to be selective about it - only see the process if we choose to.

anyway, if any of you know any inventors looking for a new project, this is the top of my wish list.

i've learned this truth

"often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.

patience is a process of perfection. The Savior Himself said that in your patience you possess your souls. or, to use another translation of the greek text, in your patience you win mastery of your souls. patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most. this was true in the time of the Savior. it is true in our time as well, for we are commanded in these latter days to 'continue in patience until ye are perfected.'"

president Uchtdorf, april 2010 priesthood session

i heart general conference - less than 24 hours to go