you've been eager to fly

sometimes after it gets dark (i guess it happens in the day too. so really, just sometimes) i get that restless feeling in my bones. and when it happens, i go outside to the backyard, lean my head way back (or lay down on the patio) and look at the moon, or the clouds, or just the sky in general. i love the feeling of just being there, surrounded by the stars, the sky, the air.
lately when this happens, i feel claustrophobic just being in my backyard. i want to push all of the extras out of the way - the trees, the fences, the houses, the mountains. i don't want anything coming between me and the horizon. maybe that is why i want to learn to sail, or why i have been contemplating getting my pilot's license. all that wide open space, that never ending horizon line, sounds heavenly.

oh it is wonderful

you know how you can hear something over and over and over and over and over again until you can repeat it by heart, but it isn't personal? you believe it, but it doesn't necessarily mean very much to you? and then one day, all of your experiences and thoughts and insights just come together and it clicks? suddenly the truth of it is right there in front of you and you can't believe you never really saw it before.

i had that experience last night. oh how grateful and appreciative i am that we have a Father in Heaven who loves us - who gave us this gospel, and lets us discover for ourselves all of the truths it contains. how grateful i am for my testimony, for the strength it gives to me and for the strength it gains from my day to day experiences. how marvelous is the way in which our Heavenly Father teaches us and show us the way.

i just can't wait to be king

for my birthday, my dad got me third row tickets to see this

at asu's gammage theater. it was incredible - the costumes, the music, the set, everything. i loved every second of it. when the show started, and the elephants were walking down the aisles of the theater to the stage, i got some tears in my eyes. (don't ask me why. it was so weird.) i loved every second of the thing, except for the seconds when the girl next to me was talking or putting her elbow in my side. but really, even in those seconds i mostly just loved it, just a little annoyed as well. i was mesmerized by the way the set was basically alive - people were the grass, the trees, the animals.

i love the moral of the story - who you are is important. all in all it was a great experience and really, i just want to move to africa now and live in a safari. (ha ha.) plus, when we were done and walked outside, this is the sight that greeted me:
beautiful sun, clouds, blue sky, palm trees, other green trees, and 75 degrees. i was made to live in the sunshine.

the simple bear necessities

the weather has turned warmer, finally, and reminded me of one of the reasons i am so happy with this move to arizona. one of my favorite things to do is drive around with the windows down, the sunroof open, and good music blasting. i love the feel of the sun shining down, the wind through my hair, and the music so loud i can feel the bass thumping in the seat. and now, in this 70 degree sunshine-y blue sky weather, i can do that favorite thing every day and forget about my worries and my strife. plus, i learned after i bought my car that driving a jetta makes every girl look hot, and i think every 25 year old girl could use a little boost of confidence every once in a while.

maybe you got lost

every once in a while something happens in my life that makes me miss china so bad i can't stand it. and when i say something happens, really, it could be anything. i'll see something, or hear something, or just catch a flash of something similar to something that happened over there, and it all comes rushing back. like the time i smelled that really awful smell at one of the schools i go to and remembered the awful awful awful stinky corner. we delicate american girls had to walk past (to the incredibly wonderful dumpling shop) holding our breath, or breathing through our mouths, but the chinese people actually bought and consumed food sitting right on that corner. or the time i heard a girl mention her ex boyfriend, and remembered how every semi attractive chinese man became my "next" boyfriend and we tried to sneak pictures of them as they sneaked pictures of us. just last night, something else occurred - something that is really frustrating, but at the same time so endearing. like when a puppy eats your shoe but then looks so sheepish about it you don't have the heart to get mad. i have been thinking about watching this movie for a long time, but haven't had the time to until just last night. i remembered that i bought it in china, so i located it in my gigantic black movie holder and got myself all situated, with some movie treats and comfortable pillows. i popped the movie in, pushed play, and settled in for some good old movie watching. and it was in chinese. dubbed, in chinese. i went to the menu, searched for an option to turn on the english, and it was there, but inaccessible. they blocked the english option, so your only choice is watch it in chinese or don't watch it at all. i guess that serves me right for spending $0.75 on a pirated movie.

don't you shiver

it is 53 degrees outside right now (so, freezing). i'm sure that means the swimming pool is 1 or 2 degrees away from turning into an ice skating rink, but right now i have the greatest urge to jump in. i keep trying to think why that would be a bad idea, and i'm having a hard time coming up with reasons. i probably would regret it after .3 seconds in the water, but i just have this strange strange feeling in my guts that it would be so wonderful...

i just went out there, to look. i almost did it - the water looked so inviting. (who knows why. i have been freezing all day. this sudden urge to get in is the strangest thing...) i stepped in, just to see. and i almost peed my pants. thank goodness i had some self control and didn't jump all the way in. i would be at the hospital with hypothermia, and you all would be extremely sad. hopefully that satisfied my strange strange need to be in freezing cold water. if not, i may just have to get in tomorrow, while the sun is shining...

i can laugh it off

i have debated back and forth with myself about whether i should post this or not. i am going to, at the risk of humiliating myself. (although i'm pretty sure i have done that once or twice over already.) who knows how long it will stay up, or even if anyone will read it. if no one does, that would be wonderful. i could get it off my chest, without anyone feeling sorry for me. (and if you do read it, don't feel sorry for me! no pity, i mean it.) here goes:

i will be 25 in less than one week, as previously stated. here's what i left out last time - i have never been kissed. i'm not lying. and every year that passes makes that fact just a little more evident. time passes, people move on with their lives, and i feel like i'm still stuck back in high school, waiting for that one rite of passage to make it possible for me to move on with my life. i tell myself all the time to not listen to all the tv shows and movies and songs i hear, that it will happen when it happens and it will be fine no matter what age i am. but that doesn't always keep me from picturing myself being 86 at a nursing home, kissing the first guy with memory loss that i meet. and that is not a pretty picture. let's just hope i don't get that desperate ever. i'm not yet. case in point - last year, on my birthday, i was propositioned for some free, non committal making out. by the creepiest, oldest guy at the complex. get real. thank goodness i had the presence of mind to deny him that pleasure, and preserved my self respect forever. some people may think i should have done it, just to get it over with. no way. i feel good about myself just for saying no, and no amount of first kisses would change that fact. so i'll just be patient, and wait for it to happen. if it doesn't, no biggie. life is good, eh? it's a new year, and a new start, and lost is starting soon.

p.s. if you do feel sorry for me, and you happen to know a cute single man who lives in arizona or would be willing to travel, you know where to find me. :)

i don't feel any different

oh my. 2009 is here. this is the year i turn 25. i never thought i would reach this point in my life - don't ask me why. but when i was littler, i never thought past 20 or 21. 25 just seemed unreachable. now that it is almost here (8 more days. yikes) i am excited. i love the new year, and new beginnings. i like looking back at the past year and seeing what i accomplished, and looking forward to all of the potential that this coming year holds. only 364 days to go - better make the most of it!

new year's resolutions. i've made them before, but always hastily. i haven't ever put a lot of thought in. this year, though, i started thinking about them 2 or 3 weeks ago. just kind of formulating ideas and plans in my head. i made 7 last night. i think that is a good number - not too many, not too few. i'm excited to see how what happens this year, and how close i come to accomplishing my goals. this has been a good, exciting year for me, but i'm hoping 2009 is even better!