Wednesday, June 27, 2012

when i was ten years old, i spent a couple of weeks with my grandparents in washington. i spent a good portion of that time in their yard being introduced to an audience as michael jackson's girlfriend, the famous singer _______ (the names varied.)  when i went into the house after one particularly good show, my great-grandma bent down, looked me in the eye, and said, 

"you are certainly ambitious."

i didn't know what the word meant then, but i somehow felt slighted. i had just given one of the best performances of all time, and that was all she had to say to me?

i was also embarrassed. no one was supposed to know what was going on, except for my captive audience. i performed out in the middle of all that pasture land for a reason - i didn't really want to be discovered.

fast forward approximately eighteen years. i still don't know how i feel about being labeled as ambitious. it seems like a backhanded compliment at best, and like an insult when closely examined.  if ambition is all that can be attributed to me, where will that ambition alone get me?

when i search my heart of hearts, i don't feel ambition anywhere in there, not even lurking in corners. but today, driving under the huge blue sky of arizona, i think i found it. i think i have misunderstood the word.

because i have a big yearning - so big that it can't be contained, and it rushes out of me in the form of nervous energy and restlessness. there are places i want to go, things i want to experience, ambitions to be conquered.

and i'm still embarrassed. what if i don't have the talent to back anything up? i'm scared of failing, and that emotion, combined with the bouts of anxiety i feel far too often for my own good, keep me here, safe, in my daily routine.

i've been thinking about this blog a lot lately. i'm not even sure i still have any readers (are you faithful few still out there?) but i've been reading so much lately, and feeling so inspired, and i must have an outlet.

so i'm going to continue. but privately (remember when i mentioned my embarrassment.) i feel like i have a lot to offer, but not for the public's consumption. there have been so many times when i came up with what seemed like a brilliant idea, but i was too afraid to post it. so i'll let it all out just for myself, and see where that takes me.

thanks for all the good times.


Thursday, November 3, 2011

i make a deal like that


- i'm trying to quit soda, for the fifth time. the people i work with are very good at giving suggestions as to the best method for it, but flooding me with suggestions is never a great idea. i'm the worst decision maker in the history of the world. i'll probably try my old standby method eventually - cold turkey (although you can see how well that has worked for me in the past. i totally abstain for three or four months, and then one hot arizona day does me in.) it just seems like a better method than cutting out one day a week, or one soda a day. because i'm very good at saying to myself "i'll just add all these up and then do them all in a row." which is, essentially, cold turkey.

- thursdays are the worst days. friday would be, at the end of the week with all the cumulative effects of no sleep and long days and scary dreams about drug lords trying to murder me. except by thursday evening i have lost all ability to stay awake past nine. so, fridays are the best days, because i go to sleep at grandma hour and get twenty thousand hours of sleep, which leads to the best moods known to man. (i know that's not mathematically correct, but i try to avoid living my life by the rules of mathematics. i'm so bad at them.)

- today marks the third day in november that i've had my air conditioning on in my car. i don't think it is possible to love arizona more than i do right now. especially since the mornings and evenings and inside of buildings are cold enough that i can wear my cute boots. that is the best of both worlds right there.

- i made up the best dinner last night. made it up. who knew?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

i was the king of carrot flowers

i feel like it's time for a new post, especially since october has been such an eventful month already.

october first - i moved. to this.

(that is my new room, for those of you feeling stalkerish. a mountain of cool points if you can guess how many books i have, or name five of them.)

also on october first (and second) - general conference, with my favorite speakers speaking about my favorite subjects (elder holland even referenced basketball, so it's really true.)

october third through the seventh - a week of work at my new and fun and exciting job (at the same company. yay for getting promoted!) i got a new nickname - jenna ketchup - and a new addition - jimmer watching over my shoulder. a-like this. (now who's stalkerish? i promise i'm not crazy.)

october seventh again - awake for twenty three hours so i could take a road trip with cool emily. we made it to orem safely, if not completely sane. (sleep cured me - like i said, i'm not crazy.) which set up -

october seventh through sixteenth - a much needed vacation to utah. it is always funny to go back home - i feel like i'm in the twilight zone most of the time i'm there, because things have changed so much yet not at all, and i forget i live somewhere else. my mind gets blown usually when i think about how i'm the only one that really knows both places. my people in one place don't know my people in the other place, but i feel like they should all know and love each other like i do... someday i'll build a city where everyone i love lives and we all know each other and everyone is happy and the sun shines all the time... what a great dream, eh?

anyway, today is october eighteenth and while nothing too significant has happened the past few days, i have a feeling october is going to turn out to be a pretty great month.

Friday, August 5, 2011

everyone's searching for treasure

a few days, or maybe weeks, ago, i was on my way to a baseball game with some friends and someone asked me how things are going. i said something like this - "do you ever wish you could quit your life and start a new one? i kind of feel that way right now." (not quit my life as in die. just have a different life. wanted to clarify.)

sometimes i just get restless - ready for a change, something different, some excitement. more than actually having a new life, i think i was just expressing a desire to change things up a bit. and when i said that, i had a picture in my head of what "quitting my life and getting a new one" would look like - a clear idea of what would happen if that were to happen.

fast forward to today - a few days, or weeks, later. it's funny how you can get what you wish for in a completely different and unexpected way. life is getting some excitement. i have new things to do and new things to be excited about. life works out in the way you least expect it to sometimes.

(side note, somewhat related? - my scripture study has been in need of some help lately. so i gave myself a challenge - i started the book of mormon again last night and i'm going to finish it by labor day. 230 chapters divided by 31 days = about 8 chapters a night. anyone want to join me?)

Monday, July 25, 2011

i will rise up with fists

after a night of strange and unsettling dreams, (which included one of not getting enough sleep... not a good omen) i am feeling awake and energetic and inspired and empowered. (i hate that word.)

i'm tired of feeling stupid or apologetic for being myself.

i'm tired of trying to be something i'm not.

i'm tired of waiting around for things to happen to me.

i'm tired of dreaming big dreams and then doing nothing about them.

and i'm tired of trying to make things happen that are hopeless - that suck all my effort and energy and get nowhere.

i'm going to do things - i'm going to write a book, and i'm going to move to london, and i'm going to travel and see places and do things. i'm going to grow in my convictions and my faith and my testimony, and i'm going to pare down in other areas and make the things simpler that need to be simpler.

i'm going to stop waiting around to be noticed and i'm going to forget the people who aren't noticing. i'm going to love the people around me and tell them, and stop worrying about being loved back.

i'm going to be happy with where i am, and work on improving to get somewhere better.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

tho it were ten thousand miles

things that have been on my mind lately, as told by google image search:

Monday, June 27, 2011

you may tire of me

alright, i have a confession to make.

i’m posting this to see if there is any support out there, or if you all just think i’m crazy, so anyone with any inkling of an opinion on this subject – speak up please! if you don’t, i might die. seriously.

anyway, here it goes.

i’m writing a book.

here’s the deal – i love to write. But i don’t know if it is one of those things that i irrationally love and everyone else is just kind of “meh” about. like when i sing, or playing beatles rock band, or gordon hayward, or princess bride, or any one of a number of things.

i’m shamelessly calling on you to stroke my ego a bit, or to not spare my feelings while you’re telling me the truth. i need to decide if it’s worth pouring all my blood, sweat, and tears into this, or if it’s just going to turn into a catastrophic failure that will cause me to carry through with all my threats and really become a hermit.

and if there is any ounce of support out there, then i’m giving you another responsibility – i’m holding you accountable for holding me accountable. the way i figure it, if i know there will be people checking up on me, i’m more likely to stick with it.

so, there it is. let me know, if you can find it in your hearts to help me out. would you read it? would you buy it? do you think i’m crazy? if i hear nothing, maybe i’ll take that as an answer…

(p.s. i just had an awesome weekend with my brothers. friday i had the day off and we hiked to a swimming hole straight out of “lost,” accompanied by my friend emily. here’s a picture. then, i had a dream that emily and i met president monson and afterwards, at general conference, he told everyone that i was crazy… not sure what that means, but it feels like it has to mean something.)