the evenings are calm

it is interesting to me how my days have evolved into what they consist of now. when i first moved to arizona, i didn't expect that they would be anything like this. but they are, and really, i'm lucky that they turned out the way they did. here is a brief rundown

- i try to wake up around 8:30 or 9. doesn't always happen, but when i wake up later i feel like half the day is gone, and i have to rush to get all my "important" things done. so i try to be a good girl and wake up early.

- the first thing i do usually is read. i am not a morning person, so reading a good book helps to ease the transition from sleep to awake. and oh, how i love reading. i always have. i used to be ashamed to admit it (now i'm ashamed to admit that) but i feel like i'm in good company. i think my love of reading was passed down from my grandma, who used to be a school librarian, to my mom, to me. and i am grateful!

- i try to work out for about half an hour to an hour everyday. i need it, and i always feel so good when i'm done. the elliptical has kicked my butt more than once, but we're slowly becoming better friends.

- in the summer, when it was warm enough, i would go out and swim in the pool for about an hour after my workouts. it was so nice to jump in and get all refreshed, plus work on my tan. alas (ha), it is too cold to swim nowadays, but i still try to get some outdoors time - go for a walk, get the mail, or just read out in the back yard for a while. i love the sun.

- the reason i have all this free time is my awesome job. i teach piano at an after school program every afternoon. it pays really well, and i love the people i work with and the students! it reminds me of china a little, and makes me miss my cute little kids multiple times a week. but, despite that, i do love it. the kids are great, and piano is something i am learning to enjoy more and more...

- because i feel like a hypocrite for telling my students to practice when i don't practice myself, i have started to practice the piano (almost) every day. i'm not perfect at doing it daily yet, but i do try. and i am trying to be a good teacher and student. i got a notebook that i write down my assigned songs in, and what i should be working on in them, and i don't let myself move on if i don't have the song down at least decently. i'm easier on myself if i don't really like the song, which is probably not the best practice, but i feel like i can be a little indulgent.

there are other things i do too, like watch the office on thursdays, byu games on saturdays, and go to church on sundays. wednesday night i watched the jazz barely beat the nuggets. (that night i prayed the deron williams would get better, and that kyle korver will come visit when they play the suns.) once a week or more i hang out with jessi - we watch chick flicks and do other such girly things. i go to the library or target and hang out when i need a break somedays, and i talk to my mom quite a bit during the week. in january i'm hoping to take at least one class at the community college down here to prepare for asu next year. all in all, i'm a lucky lucky girl to have so much free time, and still be supporting myself. i think that things could get pretty ugly without some sort of schedule - keeping myself occupied helps me to feel like my life is going in a good direction. and posting up a schedule helps me feel more accountable in actually keeping it, now that you all know what i should be doing to occupy my days. although things haven't turned out quite the way i expected them too when i planned on moving, i am happy! and that is all that matters, right?

words are all i have

i got a library card today. i don't even have an arizona driver's license yet, but i am now the proud owner of a shiny new library card. i love books. and i'm not one of those people that only reads them once, and then i'm done. i can read one over and over and over and still want to read it again. i think i have read "to kill a mockingbird" 6 or 7 times. and "pride and prejudice?" probably closer to 15. i'm sure the fact that i have no patience has something to do with it. i don't deal with suspense well - when i read a new book i usually skim the end (either the last page, but sometimes the whole last chapter, if i can't get enough info from the last page) at some point before i actually finish the book. so reading a book when i already know the plot is like a special treat. i can read it in chronological order, but still know how everything works out in the end. there are times when i get a guilty conscience about my "bad" habit though, and try to read a whole novel without peeking. however, it seems that i pick the most suspenseful books, or the ones i get the most into, when these habit-breaking moments occur, and i usually cave and read the end despite all my efforts. we'll see how i do with this new round of library books...

cannon fodder

here's a random assortment of things

- i made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies on saturday. today, when i opened the fridge to get out a fresca, i saw the egg carton where i got the eggs for the cookies. they expired in august. yikesy.

- "peace like a river" by leif enger is my favorite book. someday i hope i can write that well.

- i get to meet my brother's girlfriend on thursday. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is the one. hanging out with scott has increased my thirst for more kids in my life. and i'm not having any for a while, so ragan better get cracking! (and i hope he doesn't read this. or his girlfriend. don't want to scare her off...)

- my dad's remote control programmed itself for the dvr. i'm a little scared of that.

- temping as a receptionist has reminded me how much i hate being a receptionist. you are the peon of the office - everyone dumps everything on you, and you get no appreciation. plus, surfing the internet for 8 hours a day while trying to look busy gets tiring. and boring.

- i don't deserve the blessings i receive. it's so good to know that i am loved, and watched over.

- i am very shy, all the sudden. (maybe not all the sudden - i may have always been that way. and anyone who read this post probably won't believe me.) when they made me stand up in relief society a couple weeks ago as a "new person" i blushed like a mad woman. i hate that, and i can't stop doing it. (anyone with a good suggestion of how i can get rid of that reflex wins a really great prize. i'm serious.)

- who knew 70 degrees was cold?

867-5309

usually i am pretty aware about the amount of dorkiness that i possess. i know i'm silly, and crazy, and dorky, and all that good stuff. but sometimes i do something that shows me the hidden recesses of craziness that are lurking deep down in my soul. and for some reason i feel compelled to share some of those times. so here goes!

i have been to tgi fridays twice in my life. and both times, i have felt compelled to leave my phone number there for a waiter. who does that in real life? isn't that something that only happens in movies? if it is, my life must be a movie, because i have done it. the first time, i was with some of my good friends from my ward growing up - stephanie and jessi - and their husbands. the restaurant was pretty slow, not too many people there, and we were having a ton of fun talking and laughing and reminiscing. our waiter could see how cool we all are, so when he would come over to do his thing, he'd stay and hang out a bit. as we were leaving, jessi and steph convinced me to leave my number. they said he was coming over cuz he thought i was cute and that i should help him out. the real reason he came over is because he is bored and we are cool, but whatever. i did it. i was feeling particularly single and figured i had nothing to lose. he text me the next day, and we had a decent conversation, until he turned crazy. he wanted to come to my apartment at 2 in the morning after him and his roommate went on a wendy's run. call me crazy, but that didn't seem like the best idea. so that was the end of that.

the second time i went to tgi fridays was with my good friend andrea. we went to celebrate something, and talked a lot about the last time i had been and the events that followed. our waiter was a girl, but there was a pretty cute boy waiting tables around us, and i overheard his name, so when we left i left my number again with instructions to give it to him. i don't know where i get these brief fits of bravery, but they sure come at the most inopportune times possible. i just end up making a fool of myself. anyway, this waiter text me that night to say he was flattered but also married... i'm sure his wife appreciated that. so that ends adventure #2.

last week, i had another adventure. i was not at tgi fridays this time, so i can't blame it on that. i stopped at a gas station to get some water in between piano lessons, and the cashier was pretty cute, and flirty. after i had paid he handed me back my card and said "now i just need your number and you'll be good to go." i just laughed and left, but on the way out to my car i thought "why didn't i give it to him? he seemed nice enough." so get this - i wrote it down and turned around and went back in! blame it on my lack of social life or something, but i really have no idea where these reserves of courage are coming from. there were people in line, so i just slid it across the desk, and then immediately felt ridiculous for about an hour until he text me. then i still felt ridiculous, but a little less so. we chatted for a while, and tried to make some plans, but didn't end up doing anything about it. which is probably a good thing - i forget i'm not in utah anymore and that it might not be a good idea to go out with strange men who work in gas stations. i'm just hoping i have learned my lesson and will stop leaving my number around for strangers to find.

shelter from the storm

i seem to post late at night lately. weird.

conference was awesome. just what i needed. really, i think that every time, but that is the beauty of it. it always ends up being just what i need! how great is that? things in general lately feel like they have the potential to blow up and get pretty darn scary (does anyone else feel that way?) but then we have a weekend like that one and i feel alright again. i wish there was a way to bottle that feeling up, and every time the stress starts to get to me just whip it out and take a big... swig? whiff? whatever you do with feelings... one thing i decided i need to work on is being more grateful. (emphasis on one. there are way more than one.) i am going to make a list - every day from now until thanksgiving i will write down at least one thing, and then post it! doesn't that sound fun? you all can do it with me, if you want.

we were made for each other

bonny posted about this, i checked it out, and wow! if this isn't a website for me, i don't know what is. handbag planet is giving away a free purse every hour on october 15th! after bringing home 35 purses from china, i thought my love would be satiated for at least 5 years. i thought wrong. i still love them as much as ever, and have to restrain myself from buying purses pretty much every time i go to a store. since i don't have any money to spend right now, the free giveaway deal is the best thing ever! i hope i win one... that would just make my day! everyone should go check it out. there are a whole bunch of freaking cute ones. good christmas present idea... ha.

you're too scared to

i am disclosing this information with full faith that any of you ever reading this will not abuse the knowledge i'm about to give you. i scare easily. very easily. insanley easily. having 3 younger brothers and a dad who all knew this and took advantage of it only made things worse. the reason i bring this up is because i was just reading a blog post, scared myself silly, and couldn't get up to close the door that was eerily a couple of inches open. (i left it open, it didn't open itself, and i knew why i left it open, but suddenly i couldn't bring myself to touch it. and the post wasn't even scary.) here are some examples of my strange, neurotic, irrational, fear.


- i watched "the sixth sense" twice, and the second time i was squeezing my good friend karey's hand so tightly i left marks that were there for a couple days, i'm sure. i knew what was happening and i was still scared out of my pants. (karey, by the way, is a great texan gentleman and never complained. either that, or he's a tough tough tough man. whatever the truth is, i'm grateful to him. and thinking about that movie still gives me shivers.) now, that movie is meant to be frightening, so it may seem perfectly normal to be scared of it. on the other hand, after i watched "a beautiful mind" (by myself, at 10:00 pm, in my dark basement) i slept on the couch with a light on because i couldn't bring myself to walk the 10 foot round trip to turn off the light and go to my room. also, when i was in china, i watched an episode of lost while my roommate was sleeping and stayed stiffly in one position on my bed until i finally fell asleep.


-during high school, my room was in the basement. sometimes, that was a nice arrangement - i could stay up as late as i wanted and it was the coolest room in the house, an advantage for someone who likes lots of blankets. however, it did have its downsides. on weekends, when i would stay out later than i would during the week, my dad would watch tv down in the tv room (ha). but really, i think the tv watching was an excuse to watch for me to come home. the windows in the tv room are right next to the driveway, making it easy for anyone in the room to know when someone pulled into the driveway, either because they spotted the headlights or heard the car. on occasional weekends, when the details worked out just right, my dad would hurredly turn off the tv and the lights in the basement when he noticed i was home. knowing i would have to walk by every doorway in the basement to get to my room, he would pick one and jump out at me as i walked by, making me scream bloody murder. no one else in the house loved this, because they were usually all asleep, and i have great lungs and vocal cords. and, silly me, i would always forget this happened in between scarings, setting myself up perfectly every time he jumped out at me.

here are some other things that scare me, for no reason.
-lots of episodes of lost
-when i watched the deleted scenes from "the ring." (i never saw the movie. just the deleted scenes. i almost cried.)
-reading "the lovely bones"
-"fight club" (that trip to nashville was a big big big mistake)
- sitting anywhere with my back exposed
-night hikes at girls camp
-watching "lady in white" at that cabin up provo canyon, and then the generator goes out...
-walking by a mirror when it is dark
-the movie "proof"
-listening to people talk about, or reading about, voices in heads
-every story my uncle, the ex-coroner, has ever told
-making a list of things that scare me


some of those things may be scary to others of you, and some of them will seem ridiculous, i'm sure. i have lost sleep because of every single one of them. writing them down is freaking me out, though, so i am going to have to stop. all of these incidents, and the many other ones i can't bring myself to think about, have scarred me irrevocably. i am sure i have missed out on some cuddling occasions because i can't bring myself to watch any scary movies or go to any haunted houses. i have lost countless hours of sleep because someone mentioned the word "ghost" or "imaginary" or something along those lines and i let my imagination run away with me. and it's funny, because i don't get scared of blood and guts, or murders, or people abducting me, or things like that. it really is thinking about ghosts, or people who don't exist, that brings me that debilitating fear. and now that i have revealed this knowledge to all of you, i am going to trust that none of you who ever read this will ever use this knowledge against me. if you do, just be warned that i will call you at 3:00 in the morning when i can't sleep...