striking me out

it's about time for a new post.

my orchid died. or at least, the flowers did, and the leaves fell off, and all i have left is a stick in a pot. so i'm pretty sure it's dead.

maybe i should try out my less than green thumb on an easier plant. i just love orchids so much, and i thought all that love would translate into waves of good vibes that radiated from me so that that dang flower couldn't help but grow big and strong and beautiful. but i have a feeling that experiment was doomed to failure from the start.

i thought about getting one made out of plastic, or fabric, or something that doesn't require actual care. but i couldn't bring myself to admit that to anyone asking questions about it, i'm pretty sure. i'd be ashamed, and blurt out the whole story about trying to grow a real one and failing miserably, therefore being compelled to switch to fake. and i just don't think anyone would care, and i'd just be left feeling like a fool. blah.

on a side note, don't you love it when you find a new song and play it on repeat for days on end with a big lame grin on your face because you love it so much? or am i the only person who does that?

and one more side note - preseason basketball started!! my life is no longer over. it has started again. because lame preseason means much less lame and actually cool and exciting actual season (that is the real name for basketball season, you know) is around the corner!

can't measure to you

i hate to admit it, but i have been purposefully avoiding this subject for quite some time. you see, i never did end up making any more cranes since that post, and i thought maybe if i just ignored that fact it would go away. it didn't.

so i am now renewing my goal - by the end of the year, i will have 1000 paper cranes. no excuses this time. now that i have settled into a routine and life is not quite as crazy, i'm going to devote at least two hours a week (that seems like a reasonable amount of time) until i have accomplished the goal. i'll just put on some of this american life, roll up my sleeves and get a move on!

no want shall i know

yesterday, at approximately 5:57 pm, i was standing next to my best bud surrounded by hundreds of other women and one man. that one man was right in front of us, singing tenor with those hundreds of soprano and alto voices almost drowning him out. but i could hear him, and my already wet eyes just kept producing more and more tears. there i was, on a saturday night, listening to a stake president i didn't even know singing the words to my favorite hymn. and i asked myself "how did i get here? what have i done to be so blessed? how have i found myself as a part of this beautiful gospel, with these beautiful people who are all so unique and yet so much a vital part of this beautiful work, with a place made for each individual and their abilities and talents used to bless each others lives?"

i have thought a lot lately about these things, and sometime struggled to understand what significance i can have in any one's life. there are so many out there who are more qualified, who have more experience, who can do things faster and more effectively than i could ever hope to, i haven't come up with a good answer to those questions yet, but here is what i do know:

i know that i am loved by my Father in Heaven and by His Son, my Savior.
i know that i am here in this life for a purpose, even if i don't know what it is now.
i know that the true gospel has been restored on the earth, and that i am a part of it, however small that part may be.
i know that by doing the things i know to be right, i will ultimately receive blessings far beyond my capacity to comprehend.

when i get discouraged, or overwhelmed by my insignificance, i try to find the time and means to sit and think about those things. because when i do, an amazing thing happens. the weight of that testimony seems to settle comfortably on my shoulders and sink into all my nooks and crannies, filling in the gaps where emptiness and uncertainty usually reside. all thoughts of my insignificance dissolve into insignificance themselves, and i am left with a feeling a purpose and happiness that i can't describe.

the next feeling comes naturally - who can i share this with? who can i help to find this same feeling? because who doesn't want to feel that way? who doesn't want that surety in their life as often as they can get it? i think that is something the whole world is looking for, consciously or otherwise. and who am i to keep it all to myself?

this coming up weekend is one of my absolute favorite weekends of the year. it's almost like christmas. listening to the prophet of God is not something you can get enough of. i hope to keep this feeling with me all week, and then to gain the inspiration i need to carry it with me longer, so that i can share this feeling with everyone i meet. because everyone has a place here, and something to offer, and i think we all can use a little more strength and help along our way.

many a mile to go that night

this week, in three poems:

to the scorpion in my bathroom last week
i'm sorry i had to flush you down the toilet.
some things just have to be done.
also, i would appreciate a warning to any friends and family left behind
others in a similar situation will meet a similar fate

playing the spoons
learned from a man in a leather kilt
ward talent shows will never be the same again.
(even if my hands remain scarred for the rest of my life
and my legs stay bruised that same amount of time.
it was worth it.)

yellow orchid on my desk
please do your best to stay alive
you looked like you had the will to live
and i would appreciate the effort.
life is so much better with orchids.

but the one thing i know

*warning: the following thoughts could be described as a broken record. or beating a dead horse. or something like that. however, this has been on my mind pretty constantly the last little bit, and i keep hoping the next time i write about it will purge it from my brain. either that, or someone will solve all my problems. someone, are you out there? please?

i suppose it is not uncommon for someone my age to look at the number and immediately want to fight against it. we get dragged into these years kicking and screaming, refusing to age gracefully and wanting to fight with every gut we have to stay this way, or to get younger, to keep our youth about us. i am no exception, except for the days (which are pretty frequent) when i simply ignore my age - i refuse to acknowledge it, expecting every morning to wake up late for mr. clark's advanced geology class.

and here is what i think is the problem: my life is the ocean. i'm out in the middle somewhere, treading water. and, for the sake of this metaphor, i am pretty fit and strong. i can tread water for quite a while, and i am happy doing it. there are people constantly swimming by me who stop for a while to have a chat and exchange smiles. there are people rowing by on rafts who invite me up for a rest. but eventually all of these people move on. they swim away or kick me off their rafts and go forward to one of the islands in the distance, leaving me to tread water again.

why don't i move towards an island myself, you ask? i'll tell you. i can't make up my mind about which one i want to swim towards. i can't figure out which one is worth the effort it will take to get there. they all look beautiful - nice beaches and warm sunshine and cool trees. but some of them have a fence around them, and if i go to one of those without the key they will make me turn around to find it somewhere out in the big ocean. and some of them only look inviting from a distance, but really the sand is poky and the sun is too hot and the trees are just mirages. some of them won't let me in until i go to some other island first and pass some test on that one that is a prerequisite for the next island. some are too far away, and just seem to get farther and farther the more i swim towards them. so i turn endlessly in circles, trying so hard to choose the right island and make all my effort worthwhile.

and i have to choose soon. treading water is becoming exhausting in more than one sense of the word, and i'm tired of this same scenery. i'm tired of people passing me by. i'm tired of trying to make decisions i am not equipped to make. i want someone else to choose for me, to tell me "that island contains everything you need to make the rest of your life happy - every decision has been made for you, just swim!"

but that isn't the point - i need to choose for myself, and figure out for myself what i need, as much as i detest the idea. and if i really stop to think about it, i know how to make those decisions i am dreading. i know that the right island will be clear at some point, and all the work and effort i put into getting there will be worth it, even if the path is not straight or easy. and everyday i become more and more grateful to have that knowledge, at least. if i don't know anything else, i do know that i am loved and watched over and guided. and i'll find the right place, with faith and hope and patience.

for better or for worse i've yet to know

i've spent (maybe wasted... we'll see) a lot of my life wishing i could be different. you know, different hair, different nose, different eyes, different personality (just certain elements.) i wish my brain was different, or my life was different. not better necessarily, just... different.

today, my wish was to be one of those people that thrives on uncertainty. i do like to have an element of surprise in my life, but i wouldn't say i thrive on it. for example, i like it when i know a surprise is coming, just not when exactly it will arrive. or to know when something unexpected will happen, just not what it is. not that those two things are common occurrences, but they are happy occurrences when they do come around.

but when all factors are up in the air, i tend to become a little neurotic. i obsess, going over every single possibility relentlessly, until i have exhausted every option (and i mean exhausted, and i mean every option.) and then i repeat. and repeat. and repeat. this usually goes on for a couple of weeks, or until i find out something and can put my mind at ease. unfortunately for me, it is usually the couple of weeks, so i am stuck acting like a crazy person for long periods of time. explains a lot, eh?

side note - byu football starts this week. go cougie bougies! and basketball is just around the corner, if time keeps on slipping the way it has been. thank goodness for that bright side.

maybe you can step inside

it is a not so secret desire of mine to be in a band someday. even if i just have to play the tambourine, i would kill it on that tambourine. but really, i could play the keyboard, or be the lead singer, or back up vocalist, or cowbell ringer - whatever was required of me, as long as i got to be a part of a band. a band with a playful, interesting name that wrote songs that people sang at the top of their lungs while they drove down the street, preferably. but i'll take what i can get.

a little while ago, i was hanging out with a friend who used to be in a band. he pulled out his guitar and we started rocking out, singing some weezer, some mxpx, some dashboard... that little taste was awesome, and left me wanting more. so if anyone knows a band looking for a tambourine player, you know where to send them. i hope that rock band will not be the closest i ever get to this goal... (cuz rock band is cool, but not the same as a real stage.)

too aware of the pending

my dad used to tell people all the time about his theory on deja vu. i don't remember what it is though - he stopped telling about it when i got old enough to realize what it was, and had moved on to another theory, about the passing of time. his theory was (is?) that the older you get, the faster time goes because your life is growing longer to fit it all in. for example, when you are 2 one year is fifty percent of your lifespan, but when you are 25 a year is 1/25th of your life span. obviously, i am very bad at explaining it but i am also a firm believer in it's truth.

i don't think i am the first person to observe how fast time flies, nor is my dad the first person to come up with a theory about it (or even the first person to come up with that theory, i'm sure.) but all the same, i can see my days, and weeks, and month, and years, just rushing by and i can't stop them, or slow them down. there are so many things i want to do, things i would love to do, but before i know it the clock says 11:30 or the calendar is at december and all my good intentions just stayed intentions.

i was talking to my aunt about this phenomenon the other day and she agreed, telling me about a professor she once had who told her that in ten years she would be ten year older no matter what she did, so why not make the most of it and make those ten years something she could be proud of. after our conversation, i resolved to do just that - make decisions about my life and follow through with them, so i can be proud and happy with what i've done when i look back ten years from now. but so far, all i have been able to do is think about how fast the time is going...

don't starve a poor boy

andrea (my old roommate) and i used to have a term for the boys i hung out with: ____ and bailers. (the first half of that term is a little offensive i think, so i chose not to share it. but it doesn't quite have the same ring to it now.) for some unfathomable reason, the boys i tend to befriend can't keep a commitment worth beans.

i remember one of the days i got sick of being bailed on, so the bailer received a pretty nasty text message in response to his bailage. he apologized, profusely, but i was having none of that. i wanted something firm and concrete. so andrea and i wrote up a little document and forced him to come sign. it went something like this:

"i, blankety blank, do hereby solemnly swear to never ever ever ever ever ever ever bail on anyone/anything again and if i ever do i will give jenna 1387 (one thousand three hundred eighty seven) steaks and 4 (four) bottles of yoohoo and a boat ride or else i'll die. signed and dated"

i worked at a lawyers office long enough to know that spelling out numbers after writing the numbers themselves makes things official. and, can i get everyone i meet to sign something like this? either they would sign or refuse to sign, and i could filter out all the ____ and bailers. it would simplify my life greatly.

what if i'm a mermaid

so far in my life, i have one really great embarrassing story that i use when occasions call for an embarrassing story. not that i've only been embarrassed once, but i am not the greatest story teller and i have that one down to an art. the rest just get fuzzy about five minutes after they happen, so i just stick with that one story.

in recent days, however, i have been reminded of a pretty embarrassing moment with many (far too many) witnesses and even a videotape. (i have yet to see that video, and am keeping my fingers crossed that it will just magically disintegrate.) and for some reason i feel the need to expose that story for the whole entire earth to read if they feel like it. who knows why.

when i was five or six, my grandparents went on a mission and we had a family reunion before they left. right around this time i saw "the little mermaid" for the first time and became obsessed. we had a gray couch (i was so lucky!!) that i would use as a rock, and i would have given anything for water to come spraying up around me as i sang my little heart out on that thing.

at this family reunion, i thought i would share my talents and love for ariel with all of my more grown up cousins and aunts and uncles - so i wrote a play: "the little mermaid two." i, of course, was playing the part of ariel, i had a horse (played by my cousin eric), a best friend (cousin arianna), king triton (don't remember which cousin), a green cotton tail, and paper plate seashells. and i sang. oh boy, did i sing.

looking back on that occasion, i'm not sure what i hoped to accomplish with that play. i just wanted to show off, i think. these days, i am horrified at the thought of an uncontrolled video of that floating around somewhere. but a little part of me still wishes i was a mermaid with an amazing singing voice...

or so i have been told

sometimes, strangely and unexpectedly, it feels like winter to me. it is currently 9:07 pm and 102 degrees outside, but i keep finding myself expecting to see snow when i walk by the window.

maybe it has something to do with the chocolate chip cookies i just made (although i'm not sure what that something would be) or the round of christmas-type songs i played on the piano this evening. but whatever it is, i find it slightly unnerving.

i fought a war to walk a gangplank

my decision making skills leave a lot to be desired. i have always thought i would just grow out of that someday when i was an adult. and then today it hit me - i'm an adult (if twenty five and one half is not adulthood, i don't know what is...) and i don't think this lack of decisiveness is acceptable adult behavior, so i've been analyzing this evening. my bad decision-making falls into three different and distinct categories

one - decisions i can't make because they involve more people than just me
two - decisions involving just me that i make with no thought whatsoever
three - decisions i never make because i don't want to think about them

now, i suspect i am not alone in any of these categories - category number one i'm sure is especially common - but i may be one of a few people to possess all three. frankly, i find it amazing that i ever get anything accomplished. but i want to explore those last two more in depth. first off, number two...

i remember a seinfeld episode where george decides to act against his instincts and choose the opposite of what he normally would choose, and suddenly, like magic, his life improves. he starts getting everything he wants! i have often thought i should try this for a day or two, or even a week, just to see what happens. but i fear that most of the decisions i make on a daily basis fall into category number two - i act without thinking, and therefore don't have a chance to pick the opposite of what i was thinking - i never thought of anything in the first place. more often than not, (actually probably ninety-nine percent of the time ) i wish i had picked the opposite once it is too late to go back. for example, i wish i had never sent that text, or left that message, or made that call even. i wish i had said something more intelligent, or not made that silly face, or even chosen different shoes. but it's too late - the damage has been done and now i must live with the consequences. on the plus side, i have become pretty adept at forgetting those mistakes rather quickly and only being ashamed of myself for a split second. but that may be preventing me from ever changing my ways... i guess i'll have to decide which consequence i like better.

category number three is a little more worrisome to me. there are tasks that need to be done, plans that need to be made, people that need to be seen, places that need to be visited, life that needs to be lived, but they seem so far in the distance that procrastination doesn't seem to be doing any harm. so i keep living my life and those things never get closer. in some cases, the task seems so daunting i can't bring myself to think about it just yet. i want to take it one baby step at a time, but that only works if the baby steps exist. i've been so oblivious that i am just now realizing that life doesn't stop when you aren't thinking about it, so i've decided to take action. saturday will officially be declared "jenna day" and i am going to sit down and accomplish - phone will be turned off, facebook will be inaccessible (somehow.) i am going to figure out my life, if for no other reason than i need to stop complaining about it not being figured out. (which is my own fault, really.) and then i am going to reward myself by doing something really great. suggestions are welcome.

watching the sun

ode to the high dive

standing at the bottom, looking up

i chickened out

i'm sorry i thought you would let me slip

and fall to my death

of course you would never do that

you are too fun loving and wonderful

once i finally got the guts

falling through the air

into that blue water

felt like falling through time

my troubles melted away, and i was nine again

playing at the pool with my friends

having the time of my life

on that good ol' high dive

i want to do that every day

following me around

when your saturday includes

piano lessons
driving range (in 112 degrees! woah bill! but also including a free golf lesson, so definitely worth it)
pool time
at least an hour getting ready for a fun party
driving around town like a crazy person because someone forgot details
jumping in a different pool and destroying your getting ready in .3 seconds
watermelon football
bbq
a new game every ninety seconds (some of them included pass the potato without hands, spin the bottle dice style, catch the grape, and leg wrestling)
getting to bed after two a.m.

it takes a while to recover. i am exhausted today, and considering going to bed in about five seconds. i guess that's why they invented mondays, to recover from fun times like those. i've had so much going on the past few weeks, this week is looking empty and a little depressing! hopefully i can find something to occupy my time, or i might go crazy.

i think i know

how's this for the near future? :)

no one ever believes me when i tell them i have known my best friend since first grade. and i always feel super cool when i tell people that, because i usually win the knowing-someone-for-longest-length-of-time contest.

some of my favorite jessi memories include:

-any one of our seven years of girl's camp. like the first year, which everyone said was completely awful but we were oblivious because we were cute little first years. or the year it was her sixteenth birthday at camp (yuck) and we made up a song and dance and performed on our stage.
-spying on her from my living room window when she came home from a date with a stalker and we almost blasted "kiss the girl" for them.
-lake powell
-disneyland
-ben and jerry's when we were sad
-branbury, and the mushrooms growing in the carpet
-summer seminary when we cheated on the scripture game so i would get the purple bag of skittles and share with her
-lost parties, including swimming in the pool with cute little scotty!
-game nights with the loud francis family

one bad thing about being friends for so long is the fact that we don't take pictures together anymore unless we deliberately think about it. i think we just take for granted that we'll always be around, so we don't need any evidence of the fact that we are friends. but we are, and i am sure glad! thanks for all you do jess - you are the best!!

break from the concrete

i've been in a bit of a funk lately... i do this cyclical thing in my life where i get mad at people for some stupid reason, and then get mad at myself for being mad, and then get mad at the people again for making me mad at myself... it's vicious, and unpleasant. however, i am getting a visitor this week and we might be going camping, which would make all my dreams come true.

i had a request after my last post to share some boy stories, but none of them are ready for public consumption yet. just sit tight, and after a couple of months of isolation they will be. or i'll try to think of some other good ones i can share, because i do seem to attract the crazies. who knows why.

my paper crane count has not changed. i'm awful. i think that puts the daily total i should be achieving somewhere around 500... or not. but i am sure it is some ridiculous number, and i am too scared to find out what it is to calculate.

happy birthday to jessi last on sunday!!! i'm a horrible friend. you will be getting your own post sometime in the near future.

you are all cool!

i've been roaming around

my much cooler, and wiser, little sister gave me an awesome budda-ish thought yesterday. she said "basketball is like the sun. it'll always come again." so i'm dealing with my withdrawals and filling my life with other excitement, such as:

a new job (mostly this)
cool friends
pandora (i love that thing)
the wii fit (i love that thing too)
new music (thanks to pandora, and cool friends)
and other assorted things

(i really like lists. and parentheses, apparently.) i have had a plethora of interesting experiences lately that i can't really remember right now, or probably even articulate very well. let's just say boys are crazy and life is fun. and that is all.

great news today though - kyle korver is staying with the jazz! the only thing better would be him coming to phoenix...

many a road, you know

i realized recently that i never posted anything about the finals. probably for a couple of reasons:
a) i hate the lakers
b) i hate kobe
c) i'm sad for dwight
d) i hate the lakers, and kobe

so... i'm going through withdrawals already. basketball season just ended and i have to wait another four months to watch again! (and that's just for the preseason, which is pathetic.) i thought draft day today would be a little bit of a consolation, but it was not as exciting as i expected, because i don't know one blessed thing about college basketball. all in all, it was a weird day. mj died, shaq is going to the clippers, orlando traded courtney lee, that spanish dreamboat is going to minnesota. oh well. life is good, tomorrow is friday, and i'm still cool.

where every hour is blessed

tonight we were invited over to have dinner with some people in my dad's ward, and afterwards we all sat around talking about our dad's. (side note - i already take piano lessons from that lady, but i think i will take some hostess lessons from her as well. she throws a mean dinner party.) as i sat listening to all the stories about dads, i realized one thing - a good father has a never-ending influence.

i am so thankful to have a good dad - someone who supports me, who teaches me, who counsels me, who guides me, who worries about me, who understands me, who makes me laugh, who is a good example. and i'm thankful for grandpas who have done the same. happy father's day to you all, and thanks. so much.

it's all the same

i thought i would update you all on my summer project.
so far, i have 119 done, and approximately 78 days to finish the other 881. which means i need to fold about 12 per day. (i almost didn't do all that math, because i was scared of the number that would come out. but 12 is not that bad - totally doable.)

(oh, and an extra bit of asian-ness in the background - my mom bought me some canned lychee when i was at her house. i'm saving it for a special occasion. and if anyone knows where i could find some fresh ones, i would be willing to make some kind of deal to get that information.)

he's got style

when ragan and i were longboarding last week, i made a startling discovery...

this caterpillar was living on a leaf that ragan oh so kindly picked for me. and since i am a lot wimpy, i screamed and dropped it when i discovered it. luckily for the caterpillar, it landed on my board and ragan used his mad skills to pick it up. we stopped and gently placed it on this leaf, hoping it would live to see many more longboarders come through (and maybe turn into a beautiful butterfly). i hope it wasn't too traumatized to make that happen.

later that day -

i felt something crawling around down near my navel area while i was eating dinner. i discreetly tried to investigate and didn't see anything, and the sensation stopped, so i just kept living life. about two hours later, i felt it again. and this time when i investigated, i found this lost little ladybug. i pulled her out, let her crawl around on my arm, and then let her go back outside to find her family.

i remember when we lived in texas and we were washing the cars for family home evening one night. i was sitting around, not really helping, when a ladybug came and landed on my arm, just for fun. of course i was excited and told everyone about it, and my dad said it landed on me because i was as beautiful as a flower. isn't that nice of him?

normally, i don't love bugs (especially spiders) but these two kinds are probably the most tolerable and least likely to freak me out. if i had to have insect encounters, i'm glad it was with these two lovely bugs.

oh say say say

i have returned safely from utah with everything marked off of my checklist:

wedding - check

sushi - check

picture taking - check

catching up - check

(i was right, though, and didn't get enough in. kira, stephanie, karen, i'm so sorry i didn't call! suddenly i was back in arizona. next time, for sure.)

also, i got one extra thing in - longboarding. ragan was nice enough to take me for the first time ever, and i even got some battle wounds. a-like this...

all in all, it was a pretty successful trip. i think one way to measure the amount of fun you are having is how fast time goes, and i can't believe how quickly those three days flew by. it felt like about three seconds.

waiting here with hopes

last monday i went golfing again. my second time ever, and i killed it. (for those of you who don't know, that means i did awesome. just in case there was any doubt.) disbelieving? i drove to the green, on multiple par 3's (which is pretty short, i know. but i was using a 6 iron, not even a driver, and i'm a wimp.)

last thursday i went to the cannery. totally awesome. i got to wear some stellar yellow gloves and put the jars into the cooling tunnel. i felt like an important part of something great. (i just tried to ignore the fact that i was one of two people doing a one person job. they had a plethora of volunteers that day, i think, and were making up jobs.)

last friday i made sugar cookie dough to surprise my dad. and then i remembered our oven is broken, and not able to bake the sugar cookie dough i slaved over for about seven minutes. luckily it won't die in the freezer.

last saturday i got to hang out with jessi, had a piano recital (in which i also killed it) and got to watch some "arrested development" with some fun people i didn't know and some fun people i have only known for a little while. and basically had a really spectacular day. (except for the part where i cried a little about the cavs losing. but dwight howard is cool, and i think the magic have as good a chance to beat the lakers as those cavs, if not a better one. i think i was mostly crying at my failure to make a good prediction.)

today i got some potentially good news, and got some potentially not so good news.

this thursday i will be flying up to utah, and starting a great weekend which will include a wedding (on saturday), some sushi (it will happen this time), some picture taking (sadly overdue), some catching up (which i already know i will not get enough of) and a sunday of driving with some cool people. i can't wait!

from the top of the bottom

one of the girls i went to china with had a goal she told us about. she wanted to fold one thousand paper cranes. (i wish i could remember exactly why she wanted to do it. i can't.) she had a supply of paper she carried around with her and when we had our "lost" parties or just were all hanging out talking, she would be folding and folding. if i remember correctly, she got to the point where she could just fold them without thinking about it - she could carry on a conversation or be completely absorbed in "lost" and her little hands would be working away.

i think about that a lot, for some reason. i remember reading this book in elementary school and wishing i could fold some paper cranes. and today i thought "why can't i?" so i'm gonna do it. i would like to have them finished by the end of the summer (my mom's birthday is august 27th. that makes a good deadline.) supposedly once you have folded a thousand you can make a wish. that gives me ample time to come up with something really great to wish for.

et moi je t'aime un peu plus fort

here's another good video... annie showed me this one, and every time i watch it i want to go use some sidewalk chalk and make somewhere pretty. i just wish i understood french. i'm sure the song is way better when you know what she is saying (although i really like it in spite of that.)

Coeur de Pirate Comme des enfants from Dare To Care Records on Vimeo.

on a different note, does anyone know if it is too late to marry carmelo anthony? i think that may be my new calling in life.

please don't stop

i've had this "jimmy jam" on repeat all day. this version i found on youtube is different, and better, than the one i have on my ipod. i like that it is acoustic, and there is no crowd yelling. also, i love how gnarly they look. go ahead, give it a listen.



obviously, i love it.

slip another smile in your pocket

i think one of the signs you are watching too much basketball is when you start finding dirk nowitski attractive. i'm a little worried... however, i am excited about these next couple of weeks. these games are gonna be incredible.
if i can't cheer for the jazz, i guess lebron is the next best thing... (and if the jazz aren't in the playoffs, i don't have to stress. i can just relax and enjoy the games, which is always nice. i'm trying to look on the bright side.)
go cavs!

all flowers remind me of you

mother's day in a singles ward can be pretty interesting - i never know what to expect. today was a good day, and it got a lot better when the whole elders quorum came into relief society and sang to us, and brought in enough candy bars for everyone to have two. they sang this song (click the link and sing along! i did...) and the last part seemed especially perfect to me:

"for if i love blossoms and meadows and walking, i learned how to love them, dear mother, from you."

i am grateful to all of the good examples of mothers in my life - my young women leaders, my friends (especially my best friend), my friend's moms, my grandmas, and most importantly my own beautiful and incredibly amazing mother. i have been influenced by their examples, and if i am ever a mother someday i hope i can be almost as good as they are. thanks, and i love you guys! happy mother's day!

it's a mess out there

alrighty, since it has been a shameful amount of time since i last blogged, and i'm not feeling particularly partial to any one subject, here is a random assortment of things:

- my predictions were awful. i'm going to chalk it up to the fact that i'm a rookie at those predictions... that sounds like a good enough excuse. i should have listened to chuck more. and i can't believe i got more advancing teams right in the east than the west. whatever, i'm still cool.

- go cavs! lebron definitely deserved to win mvp, in my opinion. (i will make one more prediction - lakers and cavs in the finals. i may regret that, judging by what happened yesterday but i'm going to stick with it. alright, one more - the cavs will win it all. if you are interested in why i think that, you know where to find me. i love to talk about it, because i feel smart.)

- i promise these won't all be about basketball...

- it is getting too hot! almost 100 already - not cool. i might die.

- if you are having trouble sleeping, i suggest going to the zoo with a one year old in aforementioned hot weather. that will wear you out faster than anything. i actually fell asleep before midnight last night, which is rarer than a rarity.

- sometimes i wish i could live on the 23rd floor of a building in downtown phoenix. the view would be awesome. i just have a crazy intense fear of heights, which was not overcome when i went skydiving like i thought it would be. (also, i'm not sure there are apartments like that in downtown phoenix.)

- i love china

- i think one of my favorite things in the world is remembering about music on my ipod that is really good but that i haven't listened to in a long long time. it's like finding new music, except i already know all the words.

that is all. i hope to have more interesting things to post about in the near future. and once again, i apologize about all the basketball talk. i'm obsessed.

time well spent

before my little brother alex left on his mission about a month ago, he made me and heidi promise we would write something about him on our blogs for his birthday. it looks like heidi forgot though, so i'll be the cooler sister and write while i still have time. (there are 17 minutes left of april 24th.)

a list of things i like to do with alex:

play rock band - we kill it. i think we both got like 98% once on expert playing "welcome home." we're cool.

watch jazz games - after i moved we both watched them and texted back and forth about it. alex loves it when boozer yells things. and now, so do i.

go get ernie burgers - there is no ernie's down here. i'm deprived.

go on road trips - alex likes a lot of the same music i do, and he's not afraid to blast it either. so we have fun with that.

hang out - like everyone else in my family, alex likes to have fun and is a goofball. so even if we aren't doing anything "special," it's always fun to be around him.

i distinctly remember standing around watching when this picture was taken. the idea behind it was "thug life" and as you can see, they were very successful...

so, happy birthday to my little bro! he still has approximately two years left to go on his mission, but all of his emails are so positive and happy. i'm so proud of him, and i hope he had a fantastic birthday in the mtc!

ps heidi, don't be offended, ok? we can both be cool.

to let regret sit in my lap

i realized tonight that i don't do alone very well. with everybody else who lives here gone, i basically just counted the hours until i could go to bed.

the jazz game didn't keep me entertained like it should have.
the internet didn't keep me entertained like it should have.
the elliptical didn't keep me entertained like it should have.

i basically just bounced around between all of those things, wondering why i didn't just go to bed about fifty times. i have a mental block about going to bed before midnight though, so i had to tough it out. (i should have taken you up on your offer, jess.)

the thing is, when i am by myself my brain gets going, and i start thinking and worrying about things that really have no relevance, or things that i have already worked out and should have moved past. there is a lot i could have done, and a lot i tried to do, but my heart and brain weren't in it and i ended up just thinking myself silly... (but i also thought about the awesome dream i had last night, in which i had a hot date with dwayne wade. awesome.)

luckily, i tested the pool and it is ready. tomorrow is going to contain my very first dip of the year.

everybody fired up

basketball predictions for the first round of the playoffs, according to jenna:

cavs in four
orlando in five
hawks in seven
bulls in six (this one was a toughy. no kg for boston though... that's kind of a big deal.)

portland in six
new orleans in seven
san antonio in five
lakers in six (i had a hard time writing that. i just love those jazz.)

these predictions were pretty much all set before the first round started - there are revisions i would make after seeing the first one or two games, i think. but i wanted to record my original thoughts just to see how right i could be.

*sorry about the basketball talk. i've been watching a whole lot the past few days and i have it on the brain. i love the playoffs.*

from dark skies to wet grass

i apologize about the sad state of my blog lately - our internet was down for a long long long time, and then we got it back and i got busy. well, not "got busy," i just was busy. anyway, on with the update...

last saturday, i went golfing with my uncle, his wife, and my dad. they came to town to take my dad golfing for his birthday and had made a tee time for four, so i got to tag along. and let me tell you, it was right up there in the top five awesome days of the year so far. the golf course we went to was a fancy schmancy one up in north scottsdale, and i'm pretty sure we saw charles barkley's house. plus i was able to sharpen my skills even further and now i am pretty sure i could beat tiger with one hand tied behind my back.

despite the fact that that saturday turned out to be one out of the three days it rains down here a year, i really had an awesome time. the course was absolutely beautiful, i got to hang out with some fun people, and i didn't crash the golf cart one time. so it was a successful golf outing, i would say. plus, the girls beat the boys so bad... it was shameful, really.

i keep acquainted

last thursday morning, when i got home from teaching class, i looked outside and saw this:i stood at the door, wondering whose shoes were out there. but then i started to look closer, like this:

and upon closer examination, i realized those two shapes weren't shoes, but ducks. (don't ask me why i thought they were shoes. they were way too big for that.) i debated for a long time about going outside, because i didn't want to scare them away, (those two pictures were taken through the glass door) but finally decided to go for it. and this is what happened:

when i got home again later that afternoon, the ducks were gone and i was as sad as can be. i thought they had left forever. luckily, they liked the bread i fed them and have been back everyday since. i think they may be looking for a place for some baby ducks to live. well, that is what i'm hoping for.

take your time, think a lot

it has been a busy and fun week, and in all my busyness and fun times, my dad's birthday came and went and i neglected to post about it... whoopsy!

my dad is so cool - probably one of the coolest people i know. he has been a great example to me of a lot of things - persevering, working hard, playing hard, lots of things. he has had some rough times, but i have always known that he loves me and wants the best for me, and there isn't much more you can ask for than that. i hope he had a good birthday. love you daddy!

the wind blows sweetly there

i'm finally feeling better - like i crawled out of a cave somewhere. i'm not feeling great, but better, and i figured i better write about my awesome utah trip i got back from over a week ago. so here it is, folks:

on march fourteenth, i walked onto an airplane and traveled back in time.

back three months ago, to january temperatures. (az's january temperatures. i know it was warm in utah, but i was freezing.)

back one year ago, to the days of living at village with beth, emmalee, lisa (who was only at this reunion in spirit), dre, and dice (the thugs) and all the fun times we had making fun of our home teachers and other various crazy people.

(this is an old picture of me and dre dawg. it's got me thinking about long hair again...)

back seven or eight years ago, to those younger days in my old home ward and the people there who all watched and helped me grow up. they are good people, and it was good to see them.

back over ten years ago, to the good old days of family reunions. we haven't had one for probably at least ten years, and i saw cousins i probably haven't seen for that long. what fun times.

i got to go home for my little bro's farewell - he went into the mtc exactly one week ago to spend three months before he heads way down south to argentina. he did an awesome job on his talk - he was the kind of public speaker i wish i was: calm, self-assured, natural. he brought everyone to tears and made everyone laugh in the same ten minute talk, which is something i don't think i have ever accomplished (my mom doesn't count, she cries at everything.)

all in all, a very successful trip. i saw people i love, (although i did miss some. sorry guys! i'll plan better next time), got to eat at tucano's, wrestle with the dogs, and hang out with my little bro before he leaves for two years, besides all that time travelling i already mentioned. what more could you ask for?

are you well

i had all of these grand ideas for a great post about my trip to utah this past weekend. i still will post something about it, but not yet.

you see, every time i go up there, my little brother ragan gets me sick. i don't know what his deal is, but he's always sick when i go up there, and for some reason i always catch it. this time around, i feel like i'm on my deathbed. my flight home tuesday night made me think of "lost" (since i've been watching that show, i can't help but think of it when i fly.) i was already feeling miserable enough that night that i thought if the plane crashed, at least i wouldn't have to deal with getting any worse... the plane didn't crash, and i got worse. a lot worse.

i went to get checked this morning and found out i have strep, a sinus infection, and an ear infection. i guess it is go big or go home, right? luckily i have all these days off so i can just rest. that is what i have been doing. resting and drinking juice. so stay tuned - when i feel alive again i'll post that awesome utah post i've been planning.

i wish i was an ocean

today i was doing a little spring cleaning and came across a lotion that i bought a long long time ago. to be exact, i bought it two years and eight months ago. you may be wondering why i remember the day i purchased this lotion. i will tell you. (i'm about to wax poetic. stick with me.)

bath and body works doesn't even sell this particular lotion anymore - i just checked. it is lychee flavor, and one whiff sends me back two years and nine months ago, to hefei, china (or somewhere thereabouts,) to a small house with no front door, a light bulb on a string, a well in the front yard, and a wood burning stove in the kitchen with one woman cooking and one woman fueling the fire from the pile of sticks next to her. it takes me back to that house, where a feast was prepared for two girls who didn't speak much chinese by people who didn't speak any english.

in the weeks before we ventured out into the country, on our almost daily trips to the grocery store across the street from the school, we had started coming across a strange... something. this something grew on branches and looked like an armored strawberry. we were all curious about them, but no one was brave enough to buy them and try them, so we just passed by that large bin that was always surrounded by chinese people. then came the day we went out to the country.

i'm ashamed that i don't know more about this trip lisa and i went on. the language barrier that was always present when we traveled anywhere in china was never more evident to me than that day. the only other english speaker on that trip with us was our eight year old student tom, in his second semester of the english program. he helped when he could, but his vocabulary was not appropriate for the situation. he knew enough to accomplish "grandmother" and "grandfather," but our classes up to that point hadn't prepared him for an experience like that. tom's parent's didn't speak any english at all, and his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, spoke even less. we pointed, gestured, smiled, and laughed a lot.

while standing in the kitchen, trying to indicate that we wanted to help cook if we could, tom's mother brought in some of those alien strawberries. she offered them to lisa and i first, and we shrugged and said no thanks. we didn't know how to eat them, and didn't know how to ask how to do it. thankfully, she didn't give up - she took one and demonstrated, and soon lisa and i were pros. eating those lychees was like popping little pieces of heaven into our mouths. so sweet and cool and light and refreshing, they were perfect for that hot day. especially since we couldn't drink any of the water, and the alcohol they provided for us was (hopefully politely) declined. we spent the rest of that day sitting on various makeshift benches or chairs around the house, eating lots of new things, some delicious, some slightly scary, (but not eating enough of them - we ruined our appetites with those lychees) and trying so hard to somehow communicate how thankful we were to those people for opening their house to us. we ended that trip by taking pictures and showing them on the little screen to everyone involved, and giving out hugs and "wo ai ni's."

for the rest of my life, i will look back on that experience with mixed feelings. almost three years later, i look back on it with regret - regret that i didn't do more to communicate, that i didn't know more chinese, that i didn't eat more, or teach them a game, or something. but i also think of it as one of the most perfect experiences i have ever had. it was the culmination of that five months of my life - the icing on the already pretty wonderful cake. i was able to experience something i know i probably never will be able to experience again. it was a once in a lifetime. now every time i open up that lychee lotion and take a little whiff, i am back in that small kitchen, next to those amazing women cooking a feast for two girls they had just met and couldn't even talk to. or i'm in that sunlit yard, washing my hands with well water pulled up for me by my sweet little student. and no matter what conveniences i am surrounded by, i always wish to be back for real, and not just in my memory.

i wonder why that is

my life, in numbers:

eleven - the number of jazz wins in their current streak. go jazz!! (number of times i have been able to watch those wins - five, i think. i've lost track, but they have all been delightful.)

forty - number of times i almost peed my pants laughing at jessi this weekend. she is so funny, but even more so when she is planning a birthday party, apparently. although i think some of the times she wasn't meaning to be funny... sorry jess!

nine - number of days off i have coming up in the next couple of weeks. there are pros and cons to this (mostly cons, i think), but i am very excited to get my backyard sunlit reading time in soon. soon, as in tomorrow, hopefully.

five - number of days until i get to go up to the freezing for my brother's farewell. i'm so excited, for multiple reasons. and i'm very proud of alex. (if anyone wants to hang out at some point, i will be available on monday, the sixteenth. i'm in high demand though, so get your requests in early.)
twenty million - number of engaged couples in my ward. it seems to be the place to be if you want to get married. (me being the exception, of course.)

thirty-ish - number of lovely new songs pandora played for me this week. that thing gets my vote for best invention ever. (most of the new songs were already on my ipod, just undiscovered by me. oh how i love my magic ipod!)

waiting in the ether

nowhere smells better than arizona does right now. a magical scent has been released over the valley, and i am in love. it's like someone took the best smelling flower in the world, bottled up the heavenly aroma, duplicated it three million times, and then turned it loose. i think the bushes are celebrating because it is getting warmer and they are sharing all of their joy with us. i promise, it is unbelievable. as soon as i can i am going to take a blanket and my current favorite book out to the backyard and spend the day soaking it all in. feel free to join me.

see you sometime

weekends are my favorite part of my life these days. for some reason, the regular weekday things just don't bother me on weekends, and i feel almost like a kid again - carefree and relaxed. sundays are especially that way, i think, until the evening when i realize that my wonderful carefree weekend is over and i have five more days to go until i get another one.

this weekend was an especially good one, because i discovered a new favorite movie. it came out a while ago, so i may be the last one on the boat, but we watched "expiration date" and i absolutely loved it. if any of you are looking for a new movie to watch, i highly recommend checking this one out. it was sweet and funny and unusual and thought-provoking, and the soundtrack was incredible. (anakin, i was looking for the trailer and saw some article that said it was playing at the london film festival. i got all excited to tell you to go see it, and then noticed that the article was from 2007... too bad you can't time travel.) here is the trailer for your viewing pleasure.



(sorry about the language... and i know it might look a little strange, but just trust me on this.)

where everybody knows your name

*quick note - thank you, everyone, for your stress reducing strategies. i feel much better now - only stressed in spurts, as opposed to constantly. i have made use of, or will be making use of, everything you all said, so you're all cool! (matt, i just have to tell you that when i read your list, before i even got to "light tan" i said in my head "poopies." that was incredible.)*

tonight we went to get some delicious indian food at the royal taj in tempe. it is so so good. and my favorite part is the fact that we are regulars. here is how it went -

we walk in and the one waitress who is always there pointed to the table we should sit at. she always asks if we want to sit somewhere else, but we never do. then she pointed at us all individually and rattled off our drink order (coke, diet, diet) and as she was walking away asked if we wanted a menu that time. we never do. she came back with the drinks and told us what our order was (two chicken tikka masala, one lamb korma, one rice, three garlic naan, all mild). we just nodded and off she went to the kitchen. now, you can't tell me that is not awesome. she knows us well enough not to ask if we want beer, or one of those crazy (slightly disgusting) desserts they bring complimentary. i feel like i'm in "cheers" except it is a lot less crowded. and there are no cameras.

only one request

for the last... while, i guess, i have been a little stressed, for various reasons which i will not disclose here. (actually, maybe more than a little stressed. maybe a lot stressed.) what i will disclose, however, is a few of my de-stressing techniques and their relative effectiveness, so maybe i can get some better ideas from those of you out there who would like to help a brother out... :) (and now i am stressing about the grammar in that sentence. woah bill.)

- eating carrot cake for breakfast. and i may have possibly eaten some for lunch as well... this didn't help very much. but i still feel like it was a good choice. i don't have much of an appetite when i am stressed, so at least i ate something. and carrot cake is much healthier than regular cake, right?

- watching the jazz win, three times! (thank you, tnt and nbatv) that may not have been the most effective technique either, but it was probably the most fun. oh how i love those boys, if you weren't already aware. d.will is in my top five list of favorite people i have never met.

- molly last week taught me about "getting into the gap." this is where you clear your mind and think about absolutely nothing, to make yourself relax. i have a feeling this method would have had the desired result if i could actually pull it off. sadly, i can't think about nothing. (which relieves a little stress. at least i know i'm not totally devoid of thoughts, which is an issue that has been weighing heavily on my mind.) try it, and you'll see what i mean. "think about nothing" is a thought. i think i may have achieved it the other night for about .3 seconds before i fell asleep but i'm not really sure that counts.

- driving around with music and windows down, my favorite pastime. it works alright, but it would be better to be driving with someone to talk to. all those of you who are thinking about visiting, or just coming over to hang out, now is the time. the weather is perfect, and i have all sorts of great conversation stored up.

that about sums it up folks. i need some help - anyone have any suggestions?

so much better off

yesterday as i was waiting to get into my classroom and teach my piano class, one of my students came up to me in tears. it was recital day, so i figured she was stressed about playing her song or her parents had told her they wouldn't be able to make it. i leaned forward and asked what was wrong, and her friend said this to me:

"we're going to the lost and found, because she lost her tooth."

after taking a minute to figure out what he meant, i successfully suppressed my laughter and told them to go look for it, and then come back so they could get ready for the recital. then i spent the rest of the afternoon thinking back to those good old simple days when a "lost" tooth was the most devastating part of my life.

get real

i know i just posted like .4 seconds ago, but i got on nba.com - like i do about fourteen times a day. i'm addicted - and saw this picture, and laughed my face off:
you're telling me they couldn't find a better picture of ronnie brewer and grant hill? it is quite possible that this is the goofiest photo ever taken of them, and it was posted at the top of an article! wow. that made my day.

more than i knew before

i hesitate in posting this, because i don't want to make everyone jealous. but i have to brag - i had two hot valentine's dates. that's right, i said two. let me tell you all about them -

hot date number one - my dad took me to the driving range.

sadly, i did not get any pictures of my mad skills (i forgot my camera). but to help you get an idea, think tiger woods, only twelve times better. and if you don't believe it, take me golfing with you sometime and i'll show off! after golfing, we went to get sushi. i love sushi with all my heart, but for some reason i haven't been much since i moved down here. so it was a nice treat.

hot date number two - dude and jessi brought scott over so i could watch him while they had some valentine's fun in downtown phoenix. and scott sure knows how to party! we had a blast - chasing the dog, playing patty cake, pounding the piano and guitar hero drumset, watching the slam dunk contest, trying to get him to walk so we could show mommy and daddy when they got back... (that last one was unsuccessful, sadly.) he was a joy, and can be my date anytime!

(i don't know what happened - scott looks a little frightened, and i look like the scary gum monster for some reason. seriously, why are they so big? this was the best i could do by myself, sadly.)

obviously, i had the best valentine's day anyone could ever ask for! thanks dude and jessi for sharing scott with me, and to my dad for helping me develop my awesome golfing skills!

let's kick it

today is my little brother michael's birthday. he is currently serving in the new york utica mission, and probably also currently freezing his arms off. i hope not though, because then he couldn't take artsy pictures like these ones he sent us from the first 6 months of his mission:

michael is probably the funniest person i know. he is always doing some goofy thing or another. he is the life of every party - he even has a party roof in his car! i love that kid, and i miss him like crazy, but i am so glad he is out serving the Lord.

oh yeah, and one more thing - he takes awesome pictures of sunsets, and sends them to us. he's so cool!

from beginning to end

today when i:

woke up - i looked at the clock and thought "why am i awake this early?" tried to go back to sleep, but i guess i was having none of that.

was driving - i looked at the snow covered mountains to the north and thought "there are snow covered mountains visible from here?" no wonder i have been so cold lately.

ate lunch at chipotle with molly - i looked at my food and thought "mmmm this is delicious. good thing there are chipotles around here." also, i thought "molly gives good advice, and i should listen to her."

drove home - i looked at the sunset and thought "yesterday i saw the sun rise and set." i think that has happened a total of 3 times in my life, and it was cool.

there are places i remember

my most embarrassing moment is a really good story, involving my first date, bare feet, and a really tall guy's leg... if you haven't heard about it, remind me to tell you sometime. you will not regret it. it will probably be my most embarrassing moment for the rest of my life, because i'm not sure there is anything that will beat it. however, i had an... incident... on sunday that may give that story a run for it's money.

when it comes to my car registration, i like to live on the wild side a bit. one time in high school, i was sluffing class on "official" rads business and got a ticket for having expired registration. then, last winter, i got another one in salt lake for the same thing. and then, on sunday, as i was leaving church with the rest of my ward, i got another one. there i was, pulled over on the side of the road, watching my ward pass me by, with the bright red and blue lights flashing in the background. lovely.

i wonder why these things happen when i am leaving church...

give me the beat

last night i went to the phoenix symphony with my friend annie. i got the tickets really really last minute, so i didn't have time to brush up on my symphony etiquette/procedure. i was racking my brain trying to remember all of the things i learned back in elementary school. despite the fact that i felt lost, it was a really great experience. that was the first time i had been in downtown phoenix (pretty pathetic) and i got to see all the cool things there were to be seen around there, like the decorations for the all star game next weekend, and the stadium where the diamondbacks play.

(annie and i in the parking garage, with some lights from downtown in the back.)

the symphony itself was probably my favorite part of the night though. i had an unbelievably busy weekend, so it was nice to have some time to sit down and relax. and think. i found myself wondering about the politics of an orchestra. who decided that the first violin was the coolest one? i mean, he seems like the assistant regional manager of the orchestra - the conductor and the guest musician kept shaking his hand. i think if i was in charge, i would want to make friends with the guy in the back who plays the big drums. if he was disgruntled in anyway, all he would have to do is hit his drum at the wrong moment and he could ruin the whole performance. he has the most power in the entire orchestra, and seems under appreciated. (matt, correct me if i'm wrong here. also, is it as tempting as i think it would be to just pound your heart out on one of those things? i feel like i would want to do that at least once, but i'm also pretty immature.)

i wore the wrong shoes though. by the time the night was over, my feet were angry at me. i walked back to the car barefoot, in the rain. cold, but awesome.

starting now i'm starting over

my little sister tagged me the other day, and i wanted to do it, so i am going to. but i'm going to do it a little differently - instead of 10 things that bug me, i'm going to post 5 things that bug me and 5 things that don't bug me. that way, i can avoid having bad karma (i hope). here goes:

five things that bug me

one- unfinished conversations

two- when people get mad at me for reading the end of things. i'm not hurting anyone, and i should be able to determine how i read books. i'm 25, for goodness sake :)

three- dropping toothpaste on my shirt

four- waking up at 6 am everyday, for no reason. why does this keep happening?

five- people who ask for favors passive aggressively -just ask. (or really, passive-aggressiveness in general, although i think i am guilty of it more often than i like to think i am)

five things i like

one- looking at old china pictures, and hearing from china friends

two- remembering a song i love on my ipod that i haven't listened to in at least eight months

three- clean sheets

four- re-reading old conference talks, like this one and this one

five- when i ask for advice and get just what i needed to hear

i'll be dreaming of the future

i always used to say, i like pro basketball and college football, and that's it. six months ago when i moved to arizona, i didn't expect to change my mind about that.

enter the 2008-2009 nfl season. (is it just 2008? someone should enlighten me...)

i have come to realize that most natives around here weren't cardinal's fans until they got to the super bowl. i can't say that i was really an exception to that (except i feel like i have a better excuse, having just moved to the state.) i liked the suns before i moved (not as much as the jazz, but i like them) and i'll probably always bleed cougar blue, and that was the way i expected things to stay. but watching those cards keep going and going and going and finally playing in the big game today, i am not ashamed to admit to being one of the new crop of cardinal's fans.

that super bowl game tonight is the best one i can remember watching. i have never really cared about an outcome in a super bowl as much as i did about the one today (maybe thats why the game was so good.) and even though it didn't turn out the way i wanted it to, it was a close, exciting game. i think i can safely say that i am an nfl fan these days, and the cards will be my team for life, bandwagon or not.

you've been eager to fly

sometimes after it gets dark (i guess it happens in the day too. so really, just sometimes) i get that restless feeling in my bones. and when it happens, i go outside to the backyard, lean my head way back (or lay down on the patio) and look at the moon, or the clouds, or just the sky in general. i love the feeling of just being there, surrounded by the stars, the sky, the air.
lately when this happens, i feel claustrophobic just being in my backyard. i want to push all of the extras out of the way - the trees, the fences, the houses, the mountains. i don't want anything coming between me and the horizon. maybe that is why i want to learn to sail, or why i have been contemplating getting my pilot's license. all that wide open space, that never ending horizon line, sounds heavenly.

oh it is wonderful

you know how you can hear something over and over and over and over and over again until you can repeat it by heart, but it isn't personal? you believe it, but it doesn't necessarily mean very much to you? and then one day, all of your experiences and thoughts and insights just come together and it clicks? suddenly the truth of it is right there in front of you and you can't believe you never really saw it before.

i had that experience last night. oh how grateful and appreciative i am that we have a Father in Heaven who loves us - who gave us this gospel, and lets us discover for ourselves all of the truths it contains. how grateful i am for my testimony, for the strength it gives to me and for the strength it gains from my day to day experiences. how marvelous is the way in which our Heavenly Father teaches us and show us the way.

i just can't wait to be king

for my birthday, my dad got me third row tickets to see this

at asu's gammage theater. it was incredible - the costumes, the music, the set, everything. i loved every second of it. when the show started, and the elephants were walking down the aisles of the theater to the stage, i got some tears in my eyes. (don't ask me why. it was so weird.) i loved every second of the thing, except for the seconds when the girl next to me was talking or putting her elbow in my side. but really, even in those seconds i mostly just loved it, just a little annoyed as well. i was mesmerized by the way the set was basically alive - people were the grass, the trees, the animals.

i love the moral of the story - who you are is important. all in all it was a great experience and really, i just want to move to africa now and live in a safari. (ha ha.) plus, when we were done and walked outside, this is the sight that greeted me:
beautiful sun, clouds, blue sky, palm trees, other green trees, and 75 degrees. i was made to live in the sunshine.

the simple bear necessities

the weather has turned warmer, finally, and reminded me of one of the reasons i am so happy with this move to arizona. one of my favorite things to do is drive around with the windows down, the sunroof open, and good music blasting. i love the feel of the sun shining down, the wind through my hair, and the music so loud i can feel the bass thumping in the seat. and now, in this 70 degree sunshine-y blue sky weather, i can do that favorite thing every day and forget about my worries and my strife. plus, i learned after i bought my car that driving a jetta makes every girl look hot, and i think every 25 year old girl could use a little boost of confidence every once in a while.

maybe you got lost

every once in a while something happens in my life that makes me miss china so bad i can't stand it. and when i say something happens, really, it could be anything. i'll see something, or hear something, or just catch a flash of something similar to something that happened over there, and it all comes rushing back. like the time i smelled that really awful smell at one of the schools i go to and remembered the awful awful awful stinky corner. we delicate american girls had to walk past (to the incredibly wonderful dumpling shop) holding our breath, or breathing through our mouths, but the chinese people actually bought and consumed food sitting right on that corner. or the time i heard a girl mention her ex boyfriend, and remembered how every semi attractive chinese man became my "next" boyfriend and we tried to sneak pictures of them as they sneaked pictures of us. just last night, something else occurred - something that is really frustrating, but at the same time so endearing. like when a puppy eats your shoe but then looks so sheepish about it you don't have the heart to get mad. i have been thinking about watching this movie for a long time, but haven't had the time to until just last night. i remembered that i bought it in china, so i located it in my gigantic black movie holder and got myself all situated, with some movie treats and comfortable pillows. i popped the movie in, pushed play, and settled in for some good old movie watching. and it was in chinese. dubbed, in chinese. i went to the menu, searched for an option to turn on the english, and it was there, but inaccessible. they blocked the english option, so your only choice is watch it in chinese or don't watch it at all. i guess that serves me right for spending $0.75 on a pirated movie.

don't you shiver

it is 53 degrees outside right now (so, freezing). i'm sure that means the swimming pool is 1 or 2 degrees away from turning into an ice skating rink, but right now i have the greatest urge to jump in. i keep trying to think why that would be a bad idea, and i'm having a hard time coming up with reasons. i probably would regret it after .3 seconds in the water, but i just have this strange strange feeling in my guts that it would be so wonderful...

i just went out there, to look. i almost did it - the water looked so inviting. (who knows why. i have been freezing all day. this sudden urge to get in is the strangest thing...) i stepped in, just to see. and i almost peed my pants. thank goodness i had some self control and didn't jump all the way in. i would be at the hospital with hypothermia, and you all would be extremely sad. hopefully that satisfied my strange strange need to be in freezing cold water. if not, i may just have to get in tomorrow, while the sun is shining...

i can laugh it off

i have debated back and forth with myself about whether i should post this or not. i am going to, at the risk of humiliating myself. (although i'm pretty sure i have done that once or twice over already.) who knows how long it will stay up, or even if anyone will read it. if no one does, that would be wonderful. i could get it off my chest, without anyone feeling sorry for me. (and if you do read it, don't feel sorry for me! no pity, i mean it.) here goes:

i will be 25 in less than one week, as previously stated. here's what i left out last time - i have never been kissed. i'm not lying. and every year that passes makes that fact just a little more evident. time passes, people move on with their lives, and i feel like i'm still stuck back in high school, waiting for that one rite of passage to make it possible for me to move on with my life. i tell myself all the time to not listen to all the tv shows and movies and songs i hear, that it will happen when it happens and it will be fine no matter what age i am. but that doesn't always keep me from picturing myself being 86 at a nursing home, kissing the first guy with memory loss that i meet. and that is not a pretty picture. let's just hope i don't get that desperate ever. i'm not yet. case in point - last year, on my birthday, i was propositioned for some free, non committal making out. by the creepiest, oldest guy at the complex. get real. thank goodness i had the presence of mind to deny him that pleasure, and preserved my self respect forever. some people may think i should have done it, just to get it over with. no way. i feel good about myself just for saying no, and no amount of first kisses would change that fact. so i'll just be patient, and wait for it to happen. if it doesn't, no biggie. life is good, eh? it's a new year, and a new start, and lost is starting soon.

p.s. if you do feel sorry for me, and you happen to know a cute single man who lives in arizona or would be willing to travel, you know where to find me. :)

i don't feel any different

oh my. 2009 is here. this is the year i turn 25. i never thought i would reach this point in my life - don't ask me why. but when i was littler, i never thought past 20 or 21. 25 just seemed unreachable. now that it is almost here (8 more days. yikes) i am excited. i love the new year, and new beginnings. i like looking back at the past year and seeing what i accomplished, and looking forward to all of the potential that this coming year holds. only 364 days to go - better make the most of it!

new year's resolutions. i've made them before, but always hastily. i haven't ever put a lot of thought in. this year, though, i started thinking about them 2 or 3 weeks ago. just kind of formulating ideas and plans in my head. i made 7 last night. i think that is a good number - not too many, not too few. i'm excited to see how what happens this year, and how close i come to accomplishing my goals. this has been a good, exciting year for me, but i'm hoping 2009 is even better!