Thursday, July 23, 2009

i fought a war to walk a gangplank

my decision making skills leave a lot to be desired. i have always thought i would just grow out of that someday when i was an adult. and then today it hit me - i'm an adult (if twenty five and one half is not adulthood, i don't know what is...) and i don't think this lack of decisiveness is acceptable adult behavior, so i've been analyzing this evening. my bad decision-making falls into three different and distinct categories

one - decisions i can't make because they involve more people than just me
two - decisions involving just me that i make with no thought whatsoever
three - decisions i never make because i don't want to think about them

now, i suspect i am not alone in any of these categories - category number one i'm sure is especially common - but i may be one of a few people to possess all three. frankly, i find it amazing that i ever get anything accomplished. but i want to explore those last two more in depth. first off, number two...

i remember a seinfeld episode where george decides to act against his instincts and choose the opposite of what he normally would choose, and suddenly, like magic, his life improves. he starts getting everything he wants! i have often thought i should try this for a day or two, or even a week, just to see what happens. but i fear that most of the decisions i make on a daily basis fall into category number two - i act without thinking, and therefore don't have a chance to pick the opposite of what i was thinking - i never thought of anything in the first place. more often than not, (actually probably ninety-nine percent of the time ) i wish i had picked the opposite once it is too late to go back. for example, i wish i had never sent that text, or left that message, or made that call even. i wish i had said something more intelligent, or not made that silly face, or even chosen different shoes. but it's too late - the damage has been done and now i must live with the consequences. on the plus side, i have become pretty adept at forgetting those mistakes rather quickly and only being ashamed of myself for a split second. but that may be preventing me from ever changing my ways... i guess i'll have to decide which consequence i like better.

category number three is a little more worrisome to me. there are tasks that need to be done, plans that need to be made, people that need to be seen, places that need to be visited, life that needs to be lived, but they seem so far in the distance that procrastination doesn't seem to be doing any harm. so i keep living my life and those things never get closer. in some cases, the task seems so daunting i can't bring myself to think about it just yet. i want to take it one baby step at a time, but that only works if the baby steps exist. i've been so oblivious that i am just now realizing that life doesn't stop when you aren't thinking about it, so i've decided to take action. saturday will officially be declared "jenna day" and i am going to sit down and accomplish - phone will be turned off, facebook will be inaccessible (somehow.) i am going to figure out my life, if for no other reason than i need to stop complaining about it not being figured out. (which is my own fault, really.) and then i am going to reward myself by doing something really great. suggestions are welcome.

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