Wednesday, June 27, 2012

when i was ten years old, i spent a couple of weeks with my grandparents in washington. i spent a good portion of that time in their yard being introduced to an audience as michael jackson's girlfriend, the famous singer _______ (the names varied.)  when i went into the house after one particularly good show, my great-grandma bent down, looked me in the eye, and said, 

"you are certainly ambitious."

i didn't know what the word meant then, but i somehow felt slighted. i had just given one of the best performances of all time, and that was all she had to say to me?

i was also embarrassed. no one was supposed to know what was going on, except for my captive audience. i performed out in the middle of all that pasture land for a reason - i didn't really want to be discovered.

fast forward approximately eighteen years. i still don't know how i feel about being labeled as ambitious. it seems like a backhanded compliment at best, and like an insult when closely examined.  if ambition is all that can be attributed to me, where will that ambition alone get me?

when i search my heart of hearts, i don't feel ambition anywhere in there, not even lurking in corners. but today, driving under the huge blue sky of arizona, i think i found it. i think i have misunderstood the word.

because i have a big yearning - so big that it can't be contained, and it rushes out of me in the form of nervous energy and restlessness. there are places i want to go, things i want to experience, ambitions to be conquered.

and i'm still embarrassed. what if i don't have the talent to back anything up? i'm scared of failing, and that emotion, combined with the bouts of anxiety i feel far too often for my own good, keep me here, safe, in my daily routine.

i've been thinking about this blog a lot lately. i'm not even sure i still have any readers (are you faithful few still out there?) but i've been reading so much lately, and feeling so inspired, and i must have an outlet.

so i'm going to continue. but privately (remember when i mentioned my embarrassment.) i feel like i have a lot to offer, but not for the public's consumption. there have been so many times when i came up with what seemed like a brilliant idea, but i was too afraid to post it. so i'll let it all out just for myself, and see where that takes me.

thanks for all the good times.