my heartbeat drop

i tripped and fell (spectacularly!) coming out of church today. if they had satellite cameras catching people's falls for a yearly award show, i would win, hands down. it wasn't just a trip-and-land-flat-on-your-face fall. it was a trip-and-trip-and-trip-again-and-catch-yourself-with-your-face-on-a-conviently-parked-p.t.cruiser fall. i knew i shouldn't have worn those sexy red shoes today. they were nothing but trouble. i'm just hoping those boys standing at the door weren't watching me walk away like i thought they were...

amid the cold of winter

like jessi has said, it is a little hard to get in the christmas spirit around here. i think the problem lies in the fact that we are transplants, and this is the first christmas season we are experiencing down here in the valley of the sun. we talked just today, in fact, about how we will probably be bundled up in coats and scarves this time next year, or the year after that. but this year, things are not quite christmas-y yet (wishful thinking. and i don't love the snow, so let's hope it stays that way.) so, to get myself a little more excited, i made sugar cookies! those cookies are a tradition and it definitely wouldn't feel like christmas without them. so i attempted, and they turned out decent. (lately, i have been having fantasies about becoming a domestic goddess - sewing, cooking, decorating... all the fun stuff.)

i tried to be cool like bonny and the pioneer woman and take pictures, but i kept forgetting. so i ended up with one of the beginning, and one of the end. plus 2 in between (one of which jessi took, of me being a mess. it is unavoidable for me, i think.)

this is the amount of cookies we had after making half the dough. this recipe is the most delicious one alive, but it makes enough cookies to feed one million people. and i love them so much i have to restrain myself from scarfing down handfuls at a time, like the cookie monster. too bad i couldn't make jessi take any home. all of those bad boys were left here tempting me (cookie eater - reason #6?)

shed some light

today i thought of a lot of reasons why i wish i had a boyfriend. here are the top 5 for your reading pleasure:

1 - he probably would have taken me to the jazz game in phoenix tonight, and we would have been the difference those boys needed to get the w. (plus, what an awesome game to go to! if i wouldn't have known who won before i watched it, i would have made myself even more hoarse from screaming.)

2 - he could have gone back to target for me to get the eggs i paid for but didn't bring home. merry christmas someone else. (but don't worry. they were only 89 cents. and no, i didn't get a magic deal on eggs. i only bought 6.)

3 - i would have someone to cuddle with on these cold cold 70 degree days we're having.

4 - he could fix all the light bulbs that are burnt out on my car. i'm not sure why 3 burnt out at the same time...

5 - he could be my page turner next week at church when i have to accompany some people for our christmas program. i like to have practice with my page turners, so i may just end up doing it myself.

i'm annually reminded

i fully intended to post this list on thanksgiving day (i even took my laptop up to my mom's specifically for that purpose) but i forgot that vacations turn into time suckers - all the sudden it was midnight and i was sleepy! the whole vacation was like that. it was so fun and adventure packed that i didn't have time for half the stuff i wanted to do. consequently, i am just posting it today. (jessi beat me!) to make up for it, i will list more than one item per day. i didn't keep track of the dates (i could go backwards from today, but i don't want to) and i ended up writing down at least 2 things i was grateful for everyday, and sometimes more. anyway, without further ado, here we go!

- the gospel
- my family, immediate and extended
- memories
- the internet
- advice from people i trust
- prayer, and answers to prayers
- the priesthood
- sunshine
- jessi, dude, and scott, and fun hang out days!
- the scriptures
- my awesomely amazing memory
- things working out the way they should, not necessarily the way i want them to
- hope
- my cell phone
- text messaging
- a sense of humor
- my car
- china!
- my computer
- the freedoms i have
- that i love to read, and the good books in the world
- inspiring words
- my cute piano students!
- my grandma
- my dogs
- air conditioning
- music
- playing fun games
- my glasses
- my talents
- good relief society lessons
- the library
- free laundry machines
- people who are kind for no reason
- being in control of my life
- freedom to choose
- flip flops
- my ipod
- the elliptical
- missionaries
- oceans
- accomplishing goals
- my fantastic boss, and job
- patience, and opportunities to gain more
- the jazz
- the office
- sports
- prophets and apostles alive on the earth today
- the passing of time
- having fun
- good leaders
- new things
- dvr
- singing in a choir
- the moon
- sushi
- water
- peach fresca
- chick flicks
- going to church
- courage
- spending time with good friends who are also good people
- working out
- finding new music
- temples
- my sister, and my brothers
- my parents
- holidays
- laughing
- my bishop
- cheaper gas
- to be alive!
- love stories
- the beautiful world
- that i have so many things to be grateful for

that got a little out of hand... like jessi said, going back through the list really brings back the feelings and things i was doing on the days i wrote those things down. it's so funny - some days i was so tired or grumpy that i just wrote down the first thing i could see. but i ended up thinking about it, and really realizing how appreciative i am of the little things and big things in my life. anyways, i have decided to keep adding to the list. a gratitude journal maybe. it helps me to be more aware of the things around me, and definitely keeps me happier!

all theory, no action

i was just at target, and one of the workers called me ma'am. i hate it when people call me ma'am. i know it is polite in the south (and probably other places) but it makes me feel like this - (this old lady is pretty awesome, but she's still old...) the fact that i am panicking about turning 25 in a month and a half is probably not helping either. still, there has to be some other word or name for women who are over 12. i'm going to throw "miss" out there. i don't think anyone would be offended by it, and it would help all us old ladies feel better about ourselves.

helplessly hoping

disclaimer: i am writing this post because of my conscience. i have been wrestling with these thoughts, and myself, for days, and decided that it was time to air them out. i don't intend to offend or hurt anyone, so i hope anyone reading this will not take offense. i don't want to argue either - just voice my opinion. also, i don't believe i am a perfect person, by any means. i am not an expert in any of these areas, and i'm sure there are flaws in what i have written. but, like i said, i have been wrestling with my conscience about it, and have felt the need to share my opinion and beliefs. and i tried to do just that.

i support propositions 8 and 102, along with the other similar measures around the country. in a church meeting about a month before the election, a member of my stake presidency spoke to us about supporting them, and related to us that the First Presidency and other General Authorities had asked for our support on prop 102. if i hadn't made up my mind about them by that point, i would have after that meeting.

over the past 15 days or so, i have been interested in the things happening in california, and arizona to some extent, since the passing of propositions 8 and 102, along with others. hearing about the protests and persecutions that have taken place across the country has baffled me somewhat. within the last few days, i have heard stories of what members of the lds church, and other supporters of proposition 8, have gone through in california, simply because they exercised their rights as citizens, and decided i am glad i don't have to endure that kind of thing at the moment. sometimes it is not an easy thing to follow counsel passed down from the prophet, or even our own convictions, but i believe that it will always be the rewarding thing, maybe most especially when it is hard to do.

my 5 months in china taught me more about freedoms and privileges than anything else in my experience thus far. not being able to share the gospel principles that have made me so happy was painful - heartbreaking sometimes. talking to an underground member of a christian faith made me pray for all of the other members of the country to have that same privilege and choice someday, legally. having to turn chinese people away from church meetings so that we as citizens of other countries could continue to meet made me wish i could call a meeting with president hu jintao. being afraid to leave a hymn book at the home of a chinese couple made me feel sad that i couldn't share the messages of those beautiful songs with them. i learned a lot in china - how to love people who are difficult, how to find strength in tough situations, how to enjoy having less and make do with what i did have. i haven't carried those lessons with me the way that i should. but i also learned more appreciation for the gifts that being an american has given me. i am glad i can exercise my rights of free speech and freedom of religion. i feel privileged that i can bear testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel, and that no one is forced to profess belief in anything. i feel blessed to be a part of a democracy - to have a system in place that allows citizen's voices to be heard, and to let the people have a say in the laws of the land. i would like for everyone to have the happiness i feel in the gospel, and the peace that it brings, but i also recognize that everyone has their own right to choose. and if they don't choose what i choose, i hope i can be kind and remember that that is within their right. i hope that i can do what my Savior would want me to do, in any situation - that i can have the strength and the faith to act as He would have me act.

p.s. i am going to leave this post open to comments, for now. i am interested to hear what others think. however, i don't like to cry, and i don't want to start any fights. so if things get out of hand i will close them. be ye warned...

time bomb baby

i'm getting sick. as in, i can feel the sick lurking under the surface, just waiting for me to fall asleep so it can take over. i wish it would go away. i thought, up until recently, that i acquired a super immune system while i was in china. seriously, i didn't get sick once when i was there, and i haven't been sick all that often since i came home - 1 or 2 times, if i am remembering right. until i moved, that is. if i do end up succumbing and falling asleep tonight, i will have been sick twice since i moved in july. maybe it's the desert...

on a happier note, the lakers lost! like any good jazz fan, i always cheer for whoever the lakers are playing, and i was starting to get worried about their 7-0 record. but they lost tonight, and allen iverson has never looked quite so good to me.

i need some more excitement in my life...

where amazing happens

disclaimer: this is about sports. specifically basketball. so sorry to anyone reading who is bored. this won't be a regular occurrence, i don't think...

i love the jazz. really, i really love the jazz. and i really wish i could have watched jerry sloan get his 1000th win with the jazz tonight. but, due to some unfortunate issues with the satellite (we are now in a fight. i don't want to talk about it.) i was unable to watch the game. so i watched nba tv instead. and i discovered something - i just love basketball in general. watching three goofy guys talk about all the 13 games going on tonight was actually, surprisingly, a really great way to spend a friday evening. i would have rather been watching the game, but those goobers were better than nothing.

i was thinking tonight about watching the jazz way back when, with john stockton and karl malone and jeff hornacek and greg oster-goober. i must have been in elementary school, or junior high at the latest, when john stockton made that buzzer beating 3 pointer over charles barkley to get to the finals. man, that was incredible. i was on a high from that shot for hours. thinking about it, and the leapfrog jumps afterwards, still makes me so happy. and i know it is early in the season, but i just have so much faith in my little jazzie wazzies! (ha ha. don't tell them i call them that.) i may be biased, but i feel like the jazz are one of the best teams in the west, and consequently in the whole nba. (the east is a joke, lets be serious.) so congrats to jerry sloan and all those jazz players!! i love you guys! (as if any of them are actually reading this...)

ok, here it is... i got a big grin watching this. gotta love the short shorts

i feel weird

i know i have posted about dreams before, but i have been having such bad nightmares lately i thought it might help if i wrote about them, and got it out of my system. now, nightmares is a subjective word for me. i don't dream about people chasing me and wanting to kill me, or anything like that. i don't wake up screaming - i wake up crying. and i feel so silly about it! i'm sure most normal people would not even dream about this stuff, and if they did they probably wouldn't cry about it, or even think twice about it. so apparently i am not a normal person - i am a mental person. i have dreamt 2 or 3 times in the past week or so about watching a plane crash. i just have to stand there helplessly and watch all those people falling to their deaths. (the last time it was 800 people. i knew that for some reason. i told my dad about the dream and the first thing he said was there is no plane that can hold 800 people... whatever, it was a dream.) last night, i dreamt that i married someone i didn't love because i was lonely. sparing you all the gory details, let's just say i woke up feeling like a monster. i don't know if these dreams are a reflection of what i am really like, or what i would really do in these situations, but if they are i don't know if i am fit to be in society. i know it sounds like i am overreacting (i do that a lot too) but the feelings i have when i wake up are so strong. i really did cry this morning after i realized what happened in my dreams last night. maybe this is an indication that i need to change some things about the way i am. or maybe i just need to take a c.p. whatever it is, i am hoping that writing this all down will be cathartic enough that i can go back to having good dreams...

all the leaves are brown

my little bro sent me this video over the weekend and i love it. i'm not sure anyone else will appreciate it as much as i do. i sure love my dogs, and i love that there are enough leaves to rake up there, but i don't have to do it. leaves don't fall down here.

some background - the big red dog is parker, and the little stupid white one (who is the star of the video) is macey. my mom's neighbors have a walnut tree that drops walnuts into her yard and parker likes to chew them open and eat the nuts. macey just likes to do whatever parker does, so she chews on them for about 3 seconds and then wants the one parker has. she does not eat them. she basically only eats bread. stupid, awesome dog...

i love her.

the evenings are calm

it is interesting to me how my days have evolved into what they consist of now. when i first moved to arizona, i didn't expect that they would be anything like this. but they are, and really, i'm lucky that they turned out the way they did. here is a brief rundown

- i try to wake up around 8:30 or 9. doesn't always happen, but when i wake up later i feel like half the day is gone, and i have to rush to get all my "important" things done. so i try to be a good girl and wake up early.

- the first thing i do usually is read. i am not a morning person, so reading a good book helps to ease the transition from sleep to awake. and oh, how i love reading. i always have. i used to be ashamed to admit it (now i'm ashamed to admit that) but i feel like i'm in good company. i think my love of reading was passed down from my grandma, who used to be a school librarian, to my mom, to me. and i am grateful!

- i try to work out for about half an hour to an hour everyday. i need it, and i always feel so good when i'm done. the elliptical has kicked my butt more than once, but we're slowly becoming better friends.

- in the summer, when it was warm enough, i would go out and swim in the pool for about an hour after my workouts. it was so nice to jump in and get all refreshed, plus work on my tan. alas (ha), it is too cold to swim nowadays, but i still try to get some outdoors time - go for a walk, get the mail, or just read out in the back yard for a while. i love the sun.

- the reason i have all this free time is my awesome job. i teach piano at an after school program every afternoon. it pays really well, and i love the people i work with and the students! it reminds me of china a little, and makes me miss my cute little kids multiple times a week. but, despite that, i do love it. the kids are great, and piano is something i am learning to enjoy more and more...

- because i feel like a hypocrite for telling my students to practice when i don't practice myself, i have started to practice the piano (almost) every day. i'm not perfect at doing it daily yet, but i do try. and i am trying to be a good teacher and student. i got a notebook that i write down my assigned songs in, and what i should be working on in them, and i don't let myself move on if i don't have the song down at least decently. i'm easier on myself if i don't really like the song, which is probably not the best practice, but i feel like i can be a little indulgent.

there are other things i do too, like watch the office on thursdays, byu games on saturdays, and go to church on sundays. wednesday night i watched the jazz barely beat the nuggets. (that night i prayed the deron williams would get better, and that kyle korver will come visit when they play the suns.) once a week or more i hang out with jessi - we watch chick flicks and do other such girly things. i go to the library or target and hang out when i need a break somedays, and i talk to my mom quite a bit during the week. in january i'm hoping to take at least one class at the community college down here to prepare for asu next year. all in all, i'm a lucky lucky girl to have so much free time, and still be supporting myself. i think that things could get pretty ugly without some sort of schedule - keeping myself occupied helps me to feel like my life is going in a good direction. and posting up a schedule helps me feel more accountable in actually keeping it, now that you all know what i should be doing to occupy my days. although things haven't turned out quite the way i expected them too when i planned on moving, i am happy! and that is all that matters, right?

words are all i have

i got a library card today. i don't even have an arizona driver's license yet, but i am now the proud owner of a shiny new library card. i love books. and i'm not one of those people that only reads them once, and then i'm done. i can read one over and over and over and still want to read it again. i think i have read "to kill a mockingbird" 6 or 7 times. and "pride and prejudice?" probably closer to 15. i'm sure the fact that i have no patience has something to do with it. i don't deal with suspense well - when i read a new book i usually skim the end (either the last page, but sometimes the whole last chapter, if i can't get enough info from the last page) at some point before i actually finish the book. so reading a book when i already know the plot is like a special treat. i can read it in chronological order, but still know how everything works out in the end. there are times when i get a guilty conscience about my "bad" habit though, and try to read a whole novel without peeking. however, it seems that i pick the most suspenseful books, or the ones i get the most into, when these habit-breaking moments occur, and i usually cave and read the end despite all my efforts. we'll see how i do with this new round of library books...

cannon fodder

here's a random assortment of things

- i made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies on saturday. today, when i opened the fridge to get out a fresca, i saw the egg carton where i got the eggs for the cookies. they expired in august. yikesy.

- "peace like a river" by leif enger is my favorite book. someday i hope i can write that well.

- i get to meet my brother's girlfriend on thursday. i'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is the one. hanging out with scott has increased my thirst for more kids in my life. and i'm not having any for a while, so ragan better get cracking! (and i hope he doesn't read this. or his girlfriend. don't want to scare her off...)

- my dad's remote control programmed itself for the dvr. i'm a little scared of that.

- temping as a receptionist has reminded me how much i hate being a receptionist. you are the peon of the office - everyone dumps everything on you, and you get no appreciation. plus, surfing the internet for 8 hours a day while trying to look busy gets tiring. and boring.

- i don't deserve the blessings i receive. it's so good to know that i am loved, and watched over.

- i am very shy, all the sudden. (maybe not all the sudden - i may have always been that way. and anyone who read this post probably won't believe me.) when they made me stand up in relief society a couple weeks ago as a "new person" i blushed like a mad woman. i hate that, and i can't stop doing it. (anyone with a good suggestion of how i can get rid of that reflex wins a really great prize. i'm serious.)

- who knew 70 degrees was cold?

867-5309

usually i am pretty aware about the amount of dorkiness that i possess. i know i'm silly, and crazy, and dorky, and all that good stuff. but sometimes i do something that shows me the hidden recesses of craziness that are lurking deep down in my soul. and for some reason i feel compelled to share some of those times. so here goes!

i have been to tgi fridays twice in my life. and both times, i have felt compelled to leave my phone number there for a waiter. who does that in real life? isn't that something that only happens in movies? if it is, my life must be a movie, because i have done it. the first time, i was with some of my good friends from my ward growing up - stephanie and jessi - and their husbands. the restaurant was pretty slow, not too many people there, and we were having a ton of fun talking and laughing and reminiscing. our waiter could see how cool we all are, so when he would come over to do his thing, he'd stay and hang out a bit. as we were leaving, jessi and steph convinced me to leave my number. they said he was coming over cuz he thought i was cute and that i should help him out. the real reason he came over is because he is bored and we are cool, but whatever. i did it. i was feeling particularly single and figured i had nothing to lose. he text me the next day, and we had a decent conversation, until he turned crazy. he wanted to come to my apartment at 2 in the morning after him and his roommate went on a wendy's run. call me crazy, but that didn't seem like the best idea. so that was the end of that.

the second time i went to tgi fridays was with my good friend andrea. we went to celebrate something, and talked a lot about the last time i had been and the events that followed. our waiter was a girl, but there was a pretty cute boy waiting tables around us, and i overheard his name, so when we left i left my number again with instructions to give it to him. i don't know where i get these brief fits of bravery, but they sure come at the most inopportune times possible. i just end up making a fool of myself. anyway, this waiter text me that night to say he was flattered but also married... i'm sure his wife appreciated that. so that ends adventure #2.

last week, i had another adventure. i was not at tgi fridays this time, so i can't blame it on that. i stopped at a gas station to get some water in between piano lessons, and the cashier was pretty cute, and flirty. after i had paid he handed me back my card and said "now i just need your number and you'll be good to go." i just laughed and left, but on the way out to my car i thought "why didn't i give it to him? he seemed nice enough." so get this - i wrote it down and turned around and went back in! blame it on my lack of social life or something, but i really have no idea where these reserves of courage are coming from. there were people in line, so i just slid it across the desk, and then immediately felt ridiculous for about an hour until he text me. then i still felt ridiculous, but a little less so. we chatted for a while, and tried to make some plans, but didn't end up doing anything about it. which is probably a good thing - i forget i'm not in utah anymore and that it might not be a good idea to go out with strange men who work in gas stations. i'm just hoping i have learned my lesson and will stop leaving my number around for strangers to find.

shelter from the storm

i seem to post late at night lately. weird.

conference was awesome. just what i needed. really, i think that every time, but that is the beauty of it. it always ends up being just what i need! how great is that? things in general lately feel like they have the potential to blow up and get pretty darn scary (does anyone else feel that way?) but then we have a weekend like that one and i feel alright again. i wish there was a way to bottle that feeling up, and every time the stress starts to get to me just whip it out and take a big... swig? whiff? whatever you do with feelings... one thing i decided i need to work on is being more grateful. (emphasis on one. there are way more than one.) i am going to make a list - every day from now until thanksgiving i will write down at least one thing, and then post it! doesn't that sound fun? you all can do it with me, if you want.

we were made for each other

bonny posted about this, i checked it out, and wow! if this isn't a website for me, i don't know what is. handbag planet is giving away a free purse every hour on october 15th! after bringing home 35 purses from china, i thought my love would be satiated for at least 5 years. i thought wrong. i still love them as much as ever, and have to restrain myself from buying purses pretty much every time i go to a store. since i don't have any money to spend right now, the free giveaway deal is the best thing ever! i hope i win one... that would just make my day! everyone should go check it out. there are a whole bunch of freaking cute ones. good christmas present idea... ha.

you're too scared to

i am disclosing this information with full faith that any of you ever reading this will not abuse the knowledge i'm about to give you. i scare easily. very easily. insanley easily. having 3 younger brothers and a dad who all knew this and took advantage of it only made things worse. the reason i bring this up is because i was just reading a blog post, scared myself silly, and couldn't get up to close the door that was eerily a couple of inches open. (i left it open, it didn't open itself, and i knew why i left it open, but suddenly i couldn't bring myself to touch it. and the post wasn't even scary.) here are some examples of my strange, neurotic, irrational, fear.


- i watched "the sixth sense" twice, and the second time i was squeezing my good friend karey's hand so tightly i left marks that were there for a couple days, i'm sure. i knew what was happening and i was still scared out of my pants. (karey, by the way, is a great texan gentleman and never complained. either that, or he's a tough tough tough man. whatever the truth is, i'm grateful to him. and thinking about that movie still gives me shivers.) now, that movie is meant to be frightening, so it may seem perfectly normal to be scared of it. on the other hand, after i watched "a beautiful mind" (by myself, at 10:00 pm, in my dark basement) i slept on the couch with a light on because i couldn't bring myself to walk the 10 foot round trip to turn off the light and go to my room. also, when i was in china, i watched an episode of lost while my roommate was sleeping and stayed stiffly in one position on my bed until i finally fell asleep.


-during high school, my room was in the basement. sometimes, that was a nice arrangement - i could stay up as late as i wanted and it was the coolest room in the house, an advantage for someone who likes lots of blankets. however, it did have its downsides. on weekends, when i would stay out later than i would during the week, my dad would watch tv down in the tv room (ha). but really, i think the tv watching was an excuse to watch for me to come home. the windows in the tv room are right next to the driveway, making it easy for anyone in the room to know when someone pulled into the driveway, either because they spotted the headlights or heard the car. on occasional weekends, when the details worked out just right, my dad would hurredly turn off the tv and the lights in the basement when he noticed i was home. knowing i would have to walk by every doorway in the basement to get to my room, he would pick one and jump out at me as i walked by, making me scream bloody murder. no one else in the house loved this, because they were usually all asleep, and i have great lungs and vocal cords. and, silly me, i would always forget this happened in between scarings, setting myself up perfectly every time he jumped out at me.

here are some other things that scare me, for no reason.
-lots of episodes of lost
-when i watched the deleted scenes from "the ring." (i never saw the movie. just the deleted scenes. i almost cried.)
-reading "the lovely bones"
-"fight club" (that trip to nashville was a big big big mistake)
- sitting anywhere with my back exposed
-night hikes at girls camp
-watching "lady in white" at that cabin up provo canyon, and then the generator goes out...
-walking by a mirror when it is dark
-the movie "proof"
-listening to people talk about, or reading about, voices in heads
-every story my uncle, the ex-coroner, has ever told
-making a list of things that scare me


some of those things may be scary to others of you, and some of them will seem ridiculous, i'm sure. i have lost sleep because of every single one of them. writing them down is freaking me out, though, so i am going to have to stop. all of these incidents, and the many other ones i can't bring myself to think about, have scarred me irrevocably. i am sure i have missed out on some cuddling occasions because i can't bring myself to watch any scary movies or go to any haunted houses. i have lost countless hours of sleep because someone mentioned the word "ghost" or "imaginary" or something along those lines and i let my imagination run away with me. and it's funny, because i don't get scared of blood and guts, or murders, or people abducting me, or things like that. it really is thinking about ghosts, or people who don't exist, that brings me that debilitating fear. and now that i have revealed this knowledge to all of you, i am going to trust that none of you who ever read this will ever use this knowledge against me. if you do, just be warned that i will call you at 3:00 in the morning when i can't sleep...

let's cause a scene

my baby sister is turning 18 today. boy, do i feel old! heidi is probably the coolest little sister there ever was. she is so much fun, and she makes whatever we do fun! she's always saying some goofy thing, or doing a little goofy dance, or just doing something goofy. she's also a great listener - whenever i tell her a story she is very sympathetic. it makes me feel good to have someone like that to talk to, who is on my side. she gets to go to disneyland for her birthday, which causes some jealousy in my heart, but i hope she just goes and has the best time imaginable. she deserves it! love you gub!!

oh, and she is basically a model. i got all the crazy hair genes, and she got all the hot genes...

24601

if any of you out there is looking for ways to make me melt, or if you know anyone who is, i have a suggestion - Les Miserables on Broadway, or in London, or really anywhere with professionals performing. I have been listening to the 10th anniversary concert cd's lately, and i am in love. i have been ever since i first listened to the cd's when i was in 4th grade. i distinctly remember being obsessed with eponine, and writing out the story line in my 4th grade journal. once after having done this, adam davis sat on my desk and we got into an in-depth discussion about the story line. he had a lot more knowledge of the overall story than i did - i was, like i said, obsessed with eponine (as i think probably every girl high school age and younger is) and the rest of the story was only important as it related to her. during our off-track breaks from school, i would make jessi come over and we would get in dress ups and "re-enact" the play. (really just my favorite songs, with me being all the coolest people. sorry jess! about all of that...) after that little phase, my interest waned some, but not so much that i completely lost contact with it. for my choir audition my junior year i sang "on my own" and thought it had so much meaning for me in my life, with whatever boy i was hopelessly in love with (at the time) and his non-existent knowledge of me. then, when i journeyed up to rexburg i found out my roommate shared the same love, and she introduced me to the 10th anniversary edition, on video. we would watch it for hours (rexburg is boring) and sing at the top of our lungs. i sang "on my own" again for my voice class. i loved it. time passed, and i went on a seriously mistaken trip to nashville, where i rediscovered that video. once again, i watched it multiple times and sang along, complete with tears during "on my own." (i didn't grow out of that phase as quickly as most. my teen angst lasted much longer than it should have. i am still dealing with the lingering vestiges of it.)

these days, and this time around with the obsession, i believe i should be searching for jean valjean and convincing him to marry me. i know he is fictional, and old, but we can't help who we love. he is forced into criminal behavior, punished for it, and becomes understandably embittered towards the human race. then, when he encounters a truly good person, he changes the direction of his life. that right there is convincing enough for me. how many people in the world would take the incident with the bishop all in stride, as their dues for having served time just because they were hungry and did something to remedy the situation. but valjean takes the opportunity to become a better person, and he sticks with it. he voluntarily confesses to his true identity after the wrong man is captured in his place. he takes in an orphan he doesn't even know and treats her as if she is his own child. multiple times, he meets the man who is chasing him because he broke his parole (if only all policemen were as dedicated as javert, the world would be a safer place. :)) and tells him that he needs to keep a promise, to finish a task he started, and then javert can arrest him again. even given the opportunity to kill javert and stop being hunted, he lets him go. instead of running away from his problems, he meets them head on and does what is right, despite the depravity around him.

despite my love for the story, and the music, i have never seen this play done professionally. (i did go when mountain view did the production, and it was well done, but not the same...) my dream is london. i would love to go to london anyway, and the capstone to the whole trip would be seeing this musical while there. (i think i remember hearing once upon a time that the broadway show is done, retired, and maybe the london one as well. it's late/early and i don't feel like doing any research, so i'll just pretend that was something else and let the dream still live.) so, like i said, if any of you out there are trying to woo me, or you know someone who is, i have given you the key... :)

a patch of four leaf clovers

because of the shameful state of my blog lately, i'm posting twice tonight.

things haven't been going exactly how i planned them the past little while. although, i shouldn't have counted on that to happen, because when do they ever? i've been struggling with making decisions about school and jobs and which ward to go to and all of that, which definitely doesn't make for fun days or nights. i guess i had this grand scheme and for some reason i expected it all to work out perfectly and immediately, but i have lived long enough to know better. in fact, probably just because i thought all of those things, they won't happen. i jinxed myself. i think i was expecting to be adjusted just by virtue of the fact that i was moving - the drive down would magically make everything fall into place, or something. but i know better. china was 5 months of adjustment, and that is part of what made it fun. and i am definitely enjoying myself down here. it is so very fun to have jessi, dude, and scott so close. and all of these job interviews are giving me some... what is the right word... entertaining experiences to share, that is for sure. i'm definitely living, and having a chance to discover quite a few things about myself. and that is the most exciting part of it all, i think. i love figuring myself out a little bit better, and making myself into the best person i can be. that's what change is all about, isn't it? gives you a chance to see what you are made of, and to change the things you discover that you don't like. i'm glad i am getting that chance, again. the more i get to figure myself out, the better i can become. i hope i can just keep working on it.

the wind went and pulled me

i am in love with the arizona sky. it is absolutely beautiful. i don't know what it is - maybe the dry desert air, or the big open space, or weather patterns, or a combination of things, or something completely different, but the sky down here is incredible. a lot of times when i'm driving i kick myself that i don't have my camera, because i just want to pull over and fill up a memory card with pictures of the clouds. i really haven't seen anything like it, at least as consistently as i have down here. the other night the sun was setting and it was exceptionally pretty. so even though my camera is not made for that kind of picture, and my camera wielding skills aren't everything you could hope for, i grabbed my trusty nikon and headed to the backyard to see if i could at least capture a little taste. and i think i was successful. there is no way i could fully capture the real spirit of it, but i don't think any camera can. you just have to experience it yourself. for those of you scared of the heat, though, here's a sampling of the delights! :)

slide it to the left

it is my brother ragan's birthday today. ragan is one of the most adventurous people i know. (well, really, i like to think of all of us lybbert kids as adventurous, myself included. but ragan definitely is one of the most adventurous of us.) whether it is a road trip to alaska, or a trip back to chile, or boating at 5 in the morning, ragan is always up for fun, adventuresome times. also, he is a very caring genuine person. he is always making an effort to do special things for the people he cares about, and that is one quality i would like to develop a little bit more. so here's to you, little bro!! i hope your birthday is everything you hoped it would be and more, and that the bus ride to anchorage isn't too terribly painful.

if you see her, say hello

my mom is probably the most amazing person i know. she has been through so much, and yet she still continues to be happy, optimistic, helpful, fun, positive, caring, cheerful,unselfish, focused, loving... the list could go on and on. i have learned so much from her, and i hope i'm not done learning, because if i hope to one day be half the person she is i'm gonna have to get crackin! today is her birthday, and i hope she has the best one ever! she deserves it.

won't you let me know

so, i have this magic ipod. for real. everytime i think of a random song i want to listen to, or hear about a song that intrigues me, i check my ipod and magically it is there! a while back my ipod got erased on accident (and i was devastated) but my cool cool friends helped me out and filled it back up. so now, i have all of these suprise songs that just seem to appear! sometimes i forget about the magic and buy a song. i get real mad if i go to listen to it and there are 2 of the same song. so i'm trying to mend those ways... but mostly i just enjoy the magic.

on another note, things are going pretty good down here. i'm starting to be less lonely, thanks to jessi! she is awesome and puts up with me hanging out with her, which is fantastic. it has been really nice to have someone around to hang out with. the job search is going... i had what could be one of the strangest interviews in history today. the more i think about it, the weirder it gets. luckily the job is kind of far away, a pretty long commute, so i can justify not taking it. i don't think i'm going to. i have another couple of interviews coming up that are really promising, so i am keeping my fingers crossed for those. i hate looking for jobs, especially when trying to make them work with school and other things. these two would be part time, and work well together and with a school schedule. almost too good to be true, i think, but i'm going to keep hoping! and, i haven't been swimming in the pool in my own backyard yet. what the heck? i'm going to fix that tomorrow for sure. if i'm going to get tan, i better get cracking!!

p.s. the office is funny

distributed into small parts

well, i moved. i am officially an arizona resident. i had these big plans to take all of these great pictures before and on the way down, but it didn't work out exactly like i wanted to (when does that ever happen, really) so most of my pictures turned out pretty bad. especially the ones with me in them. but there are a couple of good ones.

my car was pretty freaking packed. but i got everything in, which was awesome! i was coming up with all sorts of ways to get all of my stuff down here. i didn't end up needing to use them, thank goodness.

see, pretty dang packed

also, i don't know why i have so much stuff...

like i have said before, the drive is awesome! i made this 10 hour playlist on my ipod and just plugged it in and drove. it was so great. driving really is like therapy to me and i love it muy mucho. there is this one part about 60ish miles out side of kanab that takes my breath away everytime i come to it. i tried to get some great pictures, but my little camera/bad picture taking skills didn't quite do it justice. but here's some anyway. use your imagination.

yeah. wow. awesome, eh? i love it. there are some more, but i think i'll post them on facebook, if you are interested.

so here i am, in arizona. it is not quite all i hoped it would be yet, but i guess i can't expect that the first week. i was so super excited for so long to finally get down here and get this new part of my life started, but the problem is i forgot to factor in the waiting time. it definitely doesn't happen instantly, or all at once. and i'm lonely. i forgot about that part - the waiting to make friends, to see what happens. thinking about the move, logically and otherwise, it was the right thing to do. but right now i can see a lot of reasons (and excuses, honestly) that i should have stayed home. so i'm trying to focus on the positive, and it is getting easier. part of the problem is the fact that i am still jobless. i know, it has only been like 3 days, but i'm starting to get discouraged because i'm not hearing anything. i'm going to try some different tactics and see what i can get going. i know it will happen eventually, but (like mentioned above) i tend to forget about the hard things when i'm making decisions. i talked to a good friend this morning who helped put things in perspective for me, telling me to "savor the loneliess" and i'm going to try my hardest to follow that advice. and like i said, it is getting easier. if worse comes to worst, i'll go put a sign around my neck that says "help, i need friends" and go hang out at the institute building. ha ha. (also, luckily, i have jessi and dude here to help me out and be my friends, as long as they don't get sick of me... but seriously, i don't know what i would do without them.)

won't let it pass me by

today was my last day at modbe. i decided to move last october, and it feels like i've been saying goodbye to some people ever since then, which could explain why this doesn't really feel real to me. but the closer the big move gets, the more frequent the goodbyes have become. and today was when i said most of them. after working there for 2 years, i have made some really good friends and it is going to be hard to leave them all. in spite of all that, however, i didn't even cry. i guess i'm not really an emotional person, because i don't remember crying when i left my last job either. i fully expected to at least shed a couple of tears today, but nothing. i must have a cold heart.

i have been job searching from afar for the past week, and after some promising leads and days, i heard nothing today. that was a bit of a disappointment. well, maybe a major disappointment. i thought for sure i was guaranteed at least one of the ones i have been in contact with someone about. and i guess one day of not hearing doesn't mean i don't have any. i have been really lucky in the past with the jobs i had just basically falling into my lap, and i worked at both (ha) of them for a relatively long time, so this job searching thing is a little foreign to me. maybe i'll have better luck once i get there. i do have one interview scheduled for tuesday, and while it is not an ideal job, it's still a job. so i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

like i have said before, i tend to have unnecessary (very unnecessary) drama in my life. i don't feel like i create it, but i must. i can't think of another reason it would be there. and lets face it, i am much too old to have drama. that is one of my new move resolutions (i don't remember making new year's resolutions, but i figure now is as good a time as any. i just have to call them something else) - i am going to try to rid my life of drama. it will be harder than i want it to be, i'm sure. i thought just recognizing the problem would cure it, but that didn't work out, so i'll probably have to put some actual effort in. it will be good for me, i'm sure of that. move equals chance to start over, in effect, so as long as i remember that, i can do it!

i'm really looking forward to the drive down. most everyone i have talked to who has made that trip before thinks i'm crazy, but i really love it! driving with the windows down and good music is one of my most favorite things in the whole world to do, and with gas the way it is moving gives me a good opportunity to do just that. well, the windows down may not happen. it will be too hot and un-gas-efficient. but i do have some good music all prepared, and a charged camera battery to take some pictures. i am going to try to convince the non-believers that it really is a fun, pretty drive.


and finally, since this turned long and boring, here is a picture! one of my goodbyes was a party with some of my good old china girls (and their husbands). we wanted to get some real good authentic chinese food, but, long story short, we ended up at a chinese buffet. not real good or real authentic, but it was real fun! these girls are awesome, and i will miss them!

i get distracted

it's time for some celebration! things have worked out pretty incredibly over the last little while. i got a 97% A in my english class. it is pretty great to have some validation that i'm in the right major. school can be worrisome, so i'm glad to have things working out in that area, at least for now (knock on wood.) i killed it at work this week too! i needed to get everything caught up in preparation for this move, and like a champ, i did it - after LOTS of overtime. but hey, the check was nice, and it feels SO good to have it done. also, i got my hair cut again yesterday, and like Ali said, this is the best one ever. i'm a huge fan, after less than 24 hours, so that is a great sign.

this move is starting to stress me out just a tiny bit though. my dad found out he is going to be moving to san antonio (i hate the spurs), but he has a year, so i'll see where that puts me, i guess. i had pretty much planned on moving out at that point anyway, because i'll be a resident, so i should be fine. but it stinks to know he won't be there, just in case. and it's always nice to have a place to get some free food! good thing jessi and dude are around. but, like i've said before, i have known this is the right thing to do for a long time now, and i'm sure things will work out. in about a week and 3 days, i'll be on my way, and the big change i've been waiting for will finally be happening!

how can i help it?

i'm sorry to all of you who are bored of reading my blog because all i ever write about is moving. i have realized the error of my ways and this post will not mention it. from now on...

sometimes i wish dreams really did come true. not dreams like "someday i'll be a doctor" or "i'm gonna marry a really hot man one day" but the actual dreams i have at night. because i have some really really great ones. like last night, i dreamt that the jazz player's sports medicine... doctor... was located in my church building, and i got to meet them all, including my boyfriend, who ended up professing his undying love by the end. who doesn't want that to come true? the funny thing is, my dreams have an effect on my whole day! i wake up and think they are real all day long, and sometimes even say things out loud to people that don't make sense unless you were there, in the dream. (and usually i'm the only one there for them. most people don't dream the exact same thing i do, sadly.) it's so weird, and funny. i wake up and think it was all real, that it all really happened. usually for at least 5 minutes. sometimes i wake up wondering why i'm in the room i'm in. its cool i guess, that i dream so vividly and remember it. i just don't love the days when things are sad or scary because of a dream i had the night before. but then again, it can be helpful when i'm happy for no particular reason either. i guess the good and the bad kind of balance each other out.

the calm before the storm

at least, let's hope so! i'm sick of waiting!!

i know all my posts lately have been about change, and moving, and everything. so i'm sorry if i'm boring you to death. but i'm so ready! the way things are going right now it feels like things will be stuck they way they are for years, and if that happens i'll... do something drastic. i just keep feeling like this big event is coming, and i'm stuck around here anticipating it. and if i have to anticipate too long, some drastic, dramatic thing will happen and my big event will never come. i know moving won't necessarily help the stagnant feeling, (just move it around for a while maybe). it could even make it worse, who knows. but somehow, i think it will be exactly what i need right now. i know this is the right thing for me, and i've known it for a long time. i didn't feel so anxious about it 10 months ago, but now that it's getting closer, i'm ready ready ready!!

the morning will come

i might be procrastinating a little... but writing this blog is much more fun than writing my essay. so i'm gonna do this for a while, and then torture myself later.

my life seems to be all about change lately. i chopped off my hair last week (it's very hot, by the way), i'm moving in 8 weeks (and counting), my little bro left on his mission and my other one left to alaska, my best friend moved to arizona (see?), pretty much everyone i know is either engaged, married, or pregnant. i went to my ward yesterday and realized that its time for me to move on. the moving on just isn't happening fast enough for me. i would love to just be able to pick up and leave tomorrow. there will definitely be things i miss, but the longer i stay here the clearer it becomes that the next stage of my life is what is important. i don't know what is going to happen, or what all i'm getting myself into exactly, but i do know that moving is what i'm supposed to be doing. and that makes it hard to sit around and wait. change is the spice of life, i say. and my life could use a big healthy dose of spiciness. so i guess i'll start myself a little countdown and get ready to do my thing. even if things don't happen the way i wish they would, the change itself will hold me over for a while. if i stick it out and graduate soon, i can move forward with my plan (see previous post). life is just waiting, so i better make it happen!

we may stay there forever

i have come up with a new plan for my life. it's a pretty great one, if i do say so myself. here's the deal: after i graduate from college in 3+ (but hopefully not too +) years, i will move to costa rica to teach english. costa rica seems like a pretty great place to live, with lots of beaches and adventure. i think i'll have a lot of people want to come visit me too, which will be nice. i'll just have to learn spanish, but i think i can work on that and learn enough in the next 3 years to get me by when i get down there, until i can perfect it. while i'm in costa rica, i will find someone who knows how to sail and will be willing to teach me, preferably with an extra sailboat laying around somewhere they would be willing to let me take off their hands. once i'm confident in my sailing abilities, i will sail around the world at least once, visiting 60-80 beaches while i'm at it. when i get back from that undertaking, i'll probably be ready to settle down a little. so i'll find myself a good teaching job somewhere, teach for a year or so, then fly back to china and adopt a little chinese girl who may or may not be named Daisy.

here in the meantime

i've been feeling bored lately... like i need to write something that isn't the essay i should be working on. but the only thing i'm feeling inspired to write about is what has happened in my life this week. so here goes

- i worked an 11 hour day on wednesday because i felt like it. no one really asked me to (but they didn't tell me not to when they had the opportunity to either...) i didn't accomplish as much as i wanted to, but i got enough done to justify the overtime.

- my grandma sent me money for school. she didn't need to, i didn't ask her to. she just did. it feels great that she cares about me so much, and to have things work out so that i can get started on this again.

- i got a great new cd yesterday! i took a chance because i've been so desperate for good new music lately, and bought a cd i had basically heard nothing about. turns out it is really really good so that was a relief. my calulated risk paid off big time.

- the jazz won!!

- i drove around with my windows down and my sunroof open, and i didn't even have to turn the heater on like the last time i tried that! those are my favorite days of all. especially with my new cd.

- we had "poetry time" out our apartment last night, and lisa and dave wrote a poem about lava and me. in the same poem. it's probably as great as you would imagine a poem like that to be. maybe i'll post it someday...

- i got some sushi, although i was with a bunch of... interesting people. the sushi more than made up for the strange company.

- my dad called me on accident this morning. i think it's so funny when people do that.

- i found out my essay i've been putting off writing isn't due until next monday, and i got 98/100 on the one i turned in a week and a half ago!! that's kind of a big deal...

so mostly a really great week... i think this big change i'm getting ready for is putting things in perspective for me. moving is creeping up on me so much faster than i was ready for, but the more i think about it and the closer it gets, the more i realize that a change of scenery is exactly what i need. i didn't think it was possible to be any more sure about going to ASU when i applied last fall, but that is exactly what is happening. i will surely miss people here, but the drive is only 10 hours, which is the perfect amount for the road trip playlist i made on my ipod. and in AZ there are swimming pools and palm trees and warm temperatures, so i am anticipating plenty of visitors.

into the sun

last week i was on a very nice, WARM, vacation in arizona, and once again realized how excited i am to move there! i won't go over the whole long complicated story, but i know that's where i'm supposed to be, and i'm getting sick of all of this waiting! the other day my boss and i discussed the EXACT date they would let me leave, and while it's a bit farther away than i was hoping, there's a date! it makes things seem so much more real. all of this excitement has been helped along by the fact that at this exact moment i can hear my roommate and her fiance kissing, and my door is closed AND i'm listening to my ipod. if i play my cards right, i may never have to hear that sound again, and i would not be one bit sad about it. mostly though i'm stoked about starting school again and getting to meet some new people.

p.s. i found that picture of a "waste reclamation" plant that is actually just down the road from my dad's house. it's kind of a funny thing to have a picture of, but the sunset is awesome!

it's a wild world

i am now the proud (unofficial) aunt to a bouncing baby boy! Jessi had her baby on Thursday and he's the greatest thing ever. meet scott albert bori!

it's a little strange, because i know he's not technically a member of my family, but he really is awesome enough to be related to me! this is the first newborn i've held in a long time, and i thought i was going to break him, but i didn't. i can't wait for my brothers to get crackin so i can have some more nieces and nephews!

one long emergency

it has come to my attention recently that i tend to over-dramatize things. bad. the other day i was in the car with my mom and remembered something i needed to do when i got back home, so i freaked out a little. maybe a lot... she almost crashed the car. (i guess since i acknowledged it in the first sentence, no sense in trying to hide the extent of my theatrics.) i don't think this is something i've been doing my whole life, or i'm sure someone would have punched me in the face long long ago. (maybe someone, or multiple people, want to and they are just too nice.) so i did a little research and found these tips on wiki-how.

- If you have trouble ignoring drama, imagine you're sitting in an airplane taking off, watching the cars and buildings get smaller and smaller. You are that small. You're actually smaller. Your problem is only in your head. Imagine how small your head is compared to one of those cars.

- Think about how much time is wasted when you create drama. Unnecessary tension in your relationships is created, your health deteriorates from the stress, and your face will age sooner.

- If you were suddenly hit by a truck before the end of the day, would all your dramatics help you heal or walk again if you have not already died? Only a fierce spirit with a positive outlook will get you that far.

what the? those could be dangerous... i should really try to stop. i don't want my face to prematurely age. who knows what kind of consequences that could have!

some dust on the dash

i've decided that since i'm planning on becoming an English major in the very near future, i better start a blog, since in that area i'm probably far far behind my future fellow English students. and, if anyone is interested, it will probably be a good way for my friends and family up here in Orem to stay updated while i'm down in the valley of the sun. also, i was reading kira's and i was inspired. i'm nowhere near as creative or funny as she is, but maybe i can be interesting enough for the people who may read this occasionally. right now, i'm listening to the format and thinking of all the things i hope to do someday, so i'm going to make a list.

1 - sail around the world. i've never even been sailing, so who knows if i would like it, but it seems like something i would probably like. and i love the beach, so what better way to see the world's beaches?
2 - be in a band. i've talked to multiple people about this possiblity, and everyone i've talked to seems interested, but so far nothing has actually come of it. i don't even care if we never perform more than once, but one of these days i'm going to sing (and play the tambourine) with a band onstage, goshdangit!
3 - pay off my car. school is seeming so expensive at the moment (probably the non-resident tuition. stupid rules...) and i'm starting to stress, so this better happen sooner rather than later.
4 - clean out my ipod. there's a lot of junk on there.

this is just a short list, but certain songs always make me think of the future and the things i'd like to do, so i thought of them until the song changed...